Monday, February 11, 2013

FAQ for My Fellow Potential Juror

Why Hello Disgruntled New York City Person Called In for Jury Duty!

It is not great to meet you this sub-Arctic/hellishly-humid day.  It seems we've both been called for jury duty, and that's...something.  Before we get started with whatever insipidly forced banter which is inherently about to ensue, I wonder if I might provide you with some FAQ's with regards to some questions you might have, okay?  OK.  Here you go...
Q: This is such a crock of shit, right, man?
A: Not really.  Aside from paying taxes, there aren't many other things we're compelled as citizens to do.  Then again, if the court is looking for a jury of one's peers and you're my "peers," then perhaps this is, in fact, a "crock of shit."
Q: If I tell them I'm a racist do you think I'll get put on a jury?
A: Probably not, you racist. Please stop talking to me, racist.

Q: When I'm frustrated about the day's proceedings, can I sigh in your face so that my breath - which reeks of 1,000 uncleaned toilets mixed with that creamy spittle that forms on the side of your mouth - washes over you, causing you to turn to me and reply by sighing empathetically back into my face?
A: No, instead I will stare ahead with a steely, almost inhuman focus, impervious to the stank particles that you are causing to waft over me.

Q: Did you know I took off work for this???
A: Your options are either you took off work or you're unemployed.  So yes, I had a hunch.

Q: Do you like my sweatpants?
A: In the name of all that is holy, would it kill you to actually try at life?  Just a little?

Q: Would you like to chat in the hopes we might find some commonality so it will make these days go faster?
A: Nope, not really. Um...yeah, really not interested.

Q: Despite the fact that there are quite literally 1,000 empty seats in this hall, do you mind if I sit next to you at talk loudly about what a crock of shit this is?
A: Not at all, if you don't mind me leaning over you screeching, "CCCCCHHCCHHCHRRRRHCCHCHHCCHC," you know, 'cause cell phone reception in government buildings can be a bitch.
Q: Do you know how much my being here is costing me today?
A: No, but based on your Ed Hardy hat and bedazzled Affliction t-shirt the answer is a lot of money, I'm sure.

Should you have any additional questions:

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