Tuesday, January 01, 2013

With Regards to Facebook, In 2013 Can We All Agree...



U.S. Americans, we did it. We beat the ancient Mayans & their "calendar", and we once again rein as rulers of the Universe.  Go buy yourself something nice.

Now that we've survived to toil yet another year, it's time you and I had a little chat. A chat about Facebook.

When we thought the world was about to end, I let a lot of stuff that you posted on Facebook slide.  However, now that we're all still standing, I'd like to take a quick moment to present you with a few Facebook resolutions that I'd like You to enact in 2013, the year of our Lord.

IN 2013, CAN WE ALL AGREE...

...TO CLICK MORE FACEBOOK MOBILE ADS
 
I bought some Facebook stock back during their IPO, and since then it has tanked.  So in 2013, as you're looking through posts & status updates, take a moment to click on an ad or 1,000.  My hypothetical children will thank you.  And while you're at it, lay off complaining about Instagram's privacy policies there, Annie Leibovitz.


...TO STOP CREATING, SIGNING AND POSTING CHANGE.ORG PETITIONS 

These Change.org petitions are quite possibly the most useless wastes of time out there - and what's more troubling, they're gumming up my News Feed.  You want to Change.org something? Then pony up some COLD HARD CASH to the causes you believe in.  Don't have any COLD HARD CASH? Go volunteer at a place that is doing the work you believe in.  If you don't want to do any of these things, then just give me your COLD HARD CASH.


...TO STOP USING THE EXPRESSION "SO BLESSED"


"So blessed" was 2012's humble brag gaudily packaged as gratitude. I am glad that you got to take pictures of a sunset in Cancun while someone sucked on your toes, but adding "so blessed" to the end doesn't compensate for the fact that while you're having your toes sucked in Cancun, the rest of us schlubs are hard at work. You're bragging and your toes look gross.


...TO STOP POSTING BUZZFEED ARTICLES


Please stop posting articles from this mind-numbing listicle site.  You want to know how to write a BuzzFeed article? Here's how you do it:
  • STEP ONE: Direct browser to Google Images
  • STEP TWO: In the search text box enter Top [Random Number] [Noun] of [Unit of Time]
  • STEP THREE: Secure the rights to use the images that come up in your search results (if you have time) 
  • STEP FOUR: Stack the images - or for the pro, set up a slide show for extra clicks - PAGE VIEWS, SON!
  • STEP FIVE: Publish!  You've just created a bit of "viral content" and saved people that pesky chore of reading & thinking! Hooray!


...TO POST MORE PICTURES OF OURSELVES IN THE NUDE


You know what Facebook has really been missing? Nudity.  So going forward, please be sure to post more nude pictures of yourself.  You know, for the community.


So there you have it.  You really have no excuses, the Mayans were wrong, and it's up to you to make my Facebook experience better.  Don't let me down America.

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