Sunday, December 02, 2012

Ho! Ho! Homeland!

There are two things I love in this world: They are Christmas & Homeland.  Because I love thinking outside the box - like seriously, I thought inside a box once and it was horrible - I came up with an idea: what if I combined the heart-pumping action of Homeland, with the joy of the holiday season?

Now, I know the writers of Homeland are busy engineering the next diabolical machination of Abu Nazir, so I decided to take it upon myself to brainstorm a few ideas to: A.) protract the length of this season B.) provide a moment for us all to catch our breaths; and C.) bring the joy of the holidays to this exceedingly dark program.

But don't worry, I will make sure there are plenty of plot twists.

The Christmas Shoes

In this heartwarming episode, Brody's son, Chris, fearful that his parents might be on the verge of a divorce, sets about finding his mom the perfect pair of shoes for Christmas. Chris turns this episode into a musical as he sings the wildly popular "Christmas Shoes" song.  The episode takes a dark turn, however, when Tom Walker comes back to life and bumps Chris off in front of a Payless Shoe Source.  

Much like you and me, Tom Walker HATES the Christmas Shoes song.

8 Nights with Saul Berensen

What starts as a colorful explanation into the tradition of Hanukkah, devolves into series sexy stories about chicks that Mandy Patinkin banged over the past 8 days.

It's a Wonderful Afterlife

In this lighthearted homage to the Capra-classic, "It's a Wonderful Life", Abu Nazir plays a bumbling afterlife spirit who comes to Earth to show Sgt. Brody what life would be like if he didn't avenge Issa's death.  The episode charmingly concludes with Zuzu - who, it is important to note, is not a cast member of Homeland - runs into Brody's arms and proclaims, "every time a bell rings, a terrorist gets gets 72 virgins."  We know this isn't how the saying goes, but dammit, Zuzu is just so darn cute.

A New Wife for Christmas

Done in the style of a Lifetime Original Movie, A New Wife for Christmas, provides the greatest gift that Homeland can give their viewers: they replace Morena Baccarin with ANYONE WHO CAN ACT.  Really, anyone.  In this blessed episode, a large box wrapped in festive Christmas wrapping paper arrives on the Brody family doorstep.  In it is a new wife WHO CAN act, and she instantly becomes Brody's wife. We buy this premise entirely because HOLY GOD, MORENA BACCARIN CANNOT ACT.

How's that for a Homeland Holiday friends?  Merry Christmas to all, and to all a happy illegal download - because seriously, who is going to subscribe to Showtime for one show, amiright?

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