Sunday, September 30, 2012

More Than A Ring: A Race to the Aisle

Would you look at the jugs on that one on the left?  She's surpassing the bulkheads!


Speaking of jugs, here at Greatness with Garrigan Gumption, I strive to tell you nothing of consequence about my own life.  I do this because I'm a Howard Hughes-esque recluse who spends most of his days pissing into 12oz. mason jars and french braiding my eyebrow hair.  You see, I value privacy.

That said, I feel I owe you, my public, an explanation as to the infrequency of my posts.  The truth is, I am getting married - like to another person. A female person.

Last December, as some of you may recall, I got engaged to Ms. Salli Melfi.  If you want to relieve that magic, you can click here.  If you don't, just trust me it was awesome.  Like SOOOO MUCH BETTER than anything you could ever cook up.

After that was done, I thought I could just put up my feet and wait to be showered in a dowry of  (4) goats, (2) candle sticks, and at last, my life goal of a bathtub full of pennies.  Unfortunately, that isn't the case.  After the engagement, that's when the work begins.


STUFF YA GOTTA DO WHEN YOU DECIDE TO STOP BANGING SKANKS:


STEP 1: FIND A PLACE TO GIVE UP GET HITCHED
  • Ms. Sallipoopypants is originally from Colorado, and so we decided to make our way west to tie the knot.  We were going for someplace really picturesque, but we couldn't find anything like that so we settled on this spot.  It's "nice" if your into glistening, breath-taking red formations dating back to the days when you could ride a woolly mammoth for free anytime you wanted.

STEP 2: TAKE PICTURES OF YOURSELVES TO REMIND YOUR SINGLE FRIENDS THEY'LL DIE ALONE
  • One of the best parts of getting married is getting a new I.C.E. contact (in case of emergency, you idiot).  Not only do you get this FOR FREE, son, you also get to take pictures with your new emergency contact!  Once these pictures are complete you can give them to your parents or whatever, but most importantly, you can douche the Twitterz and Facebook with these pictures, to remind all of your single friends of their impending life of certain solitude.  But, seriously, guys it is so hard to be a model, trust me.


STEP 3: SHIT GETS REAL
  • A lot of people will tell you that once you're engaged that love opens to you like a flower waiting to be suckled(?) - that's a thing, right?  Unfortunately, this is the moment where all the stuff your significant other has been holding back is unleashed.  Me?  I was informed that I was a fat ass and have been relegated to this treadmill nonstop for the past 8 months.  THIS IS NOT A EUPHEMISM - I AM AT LIFE HEALTH FITNESS RIGHT NOW: 37-11 35th Avenue  Astoria, NY 11106 PLEASE SEND HELP!!!!

STEP 4: FAMILY PLANNING
  • So we're not in a hurry to have kids or anything, but Salli recently informed me that babies don't come out butt first (pictured) and this has proved really troubling.

STEP 5: TRACKING DOWN RSVP's
  • You pine over the the guest list, cultivating just the perfect roster of friends and people you hate, so that they might be forced to stew as you relish in what has been described to me as "the best day of your life".  Here's the thing, you go through all that trouble to send out the invitations and some people don't even have the common courtesy to send back the SASE!  I'm looking at you, Willy!


STEP 6: BLING
  • I thought that once you buy the broad a ring - BOOM - that's it, you're like made and they don't bother you for anything else forever, Amen.  SO NOT TRUE.  It's like the engagement ring was a gateway to buying a whole bunch of other shit: here it's a wedding band, and now I'm working on financing for some must-have Swarovski vagazzling.  It just doesn't end, people.


STEP 6: SUITS YA
  • Okay, this part I like. For this portion of the show, I buy a suit and I get to look snazzy and I even got to enjoy some bottled water while a tailor very thoroughly cupped my inseam to ensure a proper fit.  This was followed by a cigarette and some gentle pillow talk.

STEP 7: STORAGE WOES
  • Probably one of the worst parts about getting married is all the free shit you get.  We live in a small Astoria apartment - where the hell am I supposed to store all these high-end housewares, people?

STEP 8: HONEYMOON / INDENTURED SERVITUDE
  • Weddings are expensive, amiright?  So in an effort to offset some of the costs and see the world - Salli & I have decided to become a Moroccan snake charmer's apprentices.  For $0.70 a day and all the venom resistance training our bodies can possibly survive, we will join a caravan touring the Sahara and Atlas mountains. "Here's looking at you kid [until I pass out from malnourishment and heat exhaustion]," indeed!

So there you have it. And that is why we're eloping tomorrow.  Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

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