Monday, April 16, 2012

An Open Letter to the Wise, Endorsement-Minded Folks at Polar Beverages


Patrick Garrigan
Astoria, NY 11106

April 15, 2012

Dear Sir or Madam:

I don't like very many things.  I am what you call "a hater".  As such, when I find something that I do like, I embrace these things with a white-knuckled death grip that makes those around me uncomfortable.  Luckily for you, I have found such an obsession in your new product Orange Vanilla Seltzer, and I have a proposition for you.

But before I get to that, let me provide you with some context.  The other day I was walking to the subway and I popped into my favorite bodega to purchase a refreshing seltzer, as is my wont.  When I approached the cooler, I happened upon your new Orange Vanilla flavor.  "Hmmm..." I said to myself, "that sounds refreshing."  You know what?  It was.  As I savored the beverage on my way into work, I couldn't help but remark to myself how it tasted just like the orange dreamsicles I used to enjoy in the days of my youth, but with zero calories.  I mean can you believe it?

Ever since that fateful day, I've been making the consumption Orange Vanilla Seltzer a regular part of my daily beverage intake, and sharing my appreciation of your product with anyone who will listen.  My evangelism for your tasty, refreshing, bubbly water has grown so pervasive that during one of my daily Polar Orange Vanilla Seltzer sound offs, my boss asked if I worked for you guys.  I informed him that was not the case, but it got me thinking.  Which brings me to my reason for writing today.

I work in marketing. Much of my work deals with partnerships and providing clients with opportunities that might increase their exposure while incurring minimal costs.  This is just the sort of proposition I have for you today.  Let's make some moves.  Here's what I have in mind:

Patrick Garrigan's Proposal to Be the Spokesperson for
Polar Seltzer's Orange Vanilla Seltzer:

I am prepared to offer the following:

Fulfill all necessary requirements as the International Spokesperson for Polar Seltzer's Orange Vanilla Seltzer, including but not limited to the following:
  • Appearance in all local, national and international radio, TV and online commercials dressed very well, and saying cute, positive things about this refreshing beverage and "buttoning" each appearance with a thumbs-up gesture and wide, toothy smile (thumbs-up gesture optional for radio appearances)
  • Appearance at all bodega and shopping center kick-off parties to celebrate the fact that they're now carrying your yum-yum tastypants soda water (I will not appear at WalMarts because they give me the hee-bee-jee-bees, my apologies)
  •  Leveraging the mighty power of the Greatness with Garrigan Gumption's audience of around (250) weekly guests to re-enforce how much I love drinking seltzer that tastes like an orange dreamsicle
  • The monthly creation of videos showcasing me enjoying the fizzy H2O at a variety of locales.  I live an active lifestyle, just think of the places you'll go! (You like videos?  You can see past creations here and here.)
  • Always appearing in public with a bottle of Orange Vanilla Seltzer in my hand, frequently drawing big gulps, making that "AhhhH!" sound and commenting to those in earshot that "this Orange Vanilla Seltzer is the tastiest thing I've ever put in my mouth" or comparable messaging
  • Will give lingering hugs to those spotted on the street drinking Orange Vanilla Seltzer
  • Additional opportunities available upon request
In exchange, I would ask the following of Polar Beverages:
  • Steady gratis supply of Orange Vanilla Seltzer for the life of this agreement
  • Really nice suits to wear during the aforementioned commercials (yes, even the radio ones) I wear a 40S jacket and my pants are 30x30's.  Blues really bring out my eyes.
  • First class travel accommodations to bodegas and assorted VIP kick-off parties.  Within Manhattan and Queens, NY I guess I can take a cab or something.  Will you guys reimburse for this?  You know, it'd be cool if you could.
  • Security detail during the street-level spotter / hugs campaign. I'm talking like earpieces and the whole rig, ya dig?
  • Yearly salary grossly commensurate with the degree of opportunities utilized
  • To be referred to in all exchanges and introduced at public appearances as "The Sultan of Seltzer" (negotiable)
So there you have it, Polar Beverages.  Are you ready to make dreams come true?   I can be reached by emailing me at this address. Ball's in your court. Let's do this.

Best regards,

Patrick Garrigan

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