Sunday, March 04, 2012

The Registry



This is my Crate & Barrel scanner. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My Crate & Barrel scanner is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

My Crate & Barrel scanner, without me, is useless. Without my Crate & Barrel scanner, I am useless. I must fire my Crate & Barrel scanner true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will...

My Crate & Barrel scanner and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, or the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...

My Crate & Barrel scanner is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will keep my Crate & Barrel scanner clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...

Before God, I swear this creed. My Crate & Barrel scanner and myself are the defenders of my company'. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.

So be it, until victory is America's and there is no enemy, but peace!

WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT? READ ON, SOLIDER!

As many of you may recall, I recently had my play produced on Broadway.  Since that time, I've been waiting for LL Cool J and Carol Channing to swing by my apartment and give me my Tony Award.  This has not yet happened.  I think largely due to the fact that Carol Channing is old and has been busy "keepin' it poppin'".

Anyway, I later learned that evidently I got engaged or something during the filming of this play.  Now this Salli girl is all, "you proposed to me and that is verbal contract which is legally binding in a court of law."  So I guess I'm engaged.

As I understand it, the next steps include "preparing to start your lives together."  I have no idea what this means, but evidently one of the components include going to Crate & Barrel and using their scanner to pick out a lot of shit that other people buy for you! It's like Christmas for people who've given up.


"But Patrick, I really want to buy you some stuff," you squeal.  I'm happy to help you with that!  Here's just a peak into what my registry includes:

The Patrick Garrigan & Salli Melfi Registry

Coach Chair
What better way to start an unlicensed psychiatry practice than with this lush leather arm chair? Why, I'll have my clients saying, "you're a complete and total hack" in no time!

Helper Monkey*
This "off the menu" item is a must-have for the busy executive.  When feeding yourself and wiping your own ass is just too much trouble, the helper monkey is here to, well, help.
*monkey diapers and fez hat sold separately


 Crate & Barrel Dragonfly Homemade Helicopter
Want the freedom of your own private jet, without the hassle of getting out to Teterboro?   The Crate & Barrel Dragonfly Homemade Helicopter is just the answer!  The Dragonfly Homemade Helicopter can be easily assembled in your living room and can take off from (and occassionally land on) the roof of nearly any apartment complex!











IMPORTANT FAA WARNING: THE CRATE & BARREL DRAGONFLY HOMEMADE HELICOPTER DOESN'T FUCKING WORK.


...anyway, the rest of the shit on there is like towels and flatware and mixers and stuff.  What are you waiting for -get to buying!  Specifically the coach chair because I'm gonna need a comfy seat to sit in while I wait until that monkey makes it out of flight school.

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