Sunday, March 25, 2012

Mad Men Season 5 Predictions

You guys, we did it.

We paid our taxes on time, we helped little old ladies across the street and we courtesy flushed nearly every time we had a buttplosion.  In exchange for all your goodness, God hath opened the heavens and delivered his servant,  Matthew Weiner, unto us so that we might be saved from repeat episodes of Undercover Boss. Amen.

Yes, my dearies, through our love, patience, and benevolence, we shall now return to the land of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce.  But so much time has passed, where are our friends now? How will we even know what's happening?  WHERE ARE MY SHOES??? Tut-tut little children.  Based on no inside knowledge whatsoever, I proudly present to you GWGG's Season 5 Predictions.

Peggy will be back for another season and she'll come up with a few ideas and that will be nice for her.  Her annoying ass storyline of her whining about not getting her due will become  prevalent enough so that women won't call the show completely misogynistic while we wait with baited breath to see who Don bangs next.

Pryce will leave the agency and move to Vietnam. Here he will open a wildly profitable brothel that caters to U.S. servicemen.  In the evenings he will moonlight his own one-man drag show, "Stiff Upper Lip."

Rodger Sterling will continue to be just FUCKING AWESOME.

Pete Campbell will invent the Flowbee. The invention, much like his personality, will suck.

Betty will return.  She'll probably copulate with some dudes that are not her new husband. Her horrible parenting will result in the return of Little Sally's lisp. In her role January Jones will continue to say as little as possible so as to not mess up her invaluable "pretty thing to look at" show contribution.

Oh Red, how we've missed you.  Yes, Joan is back but there's a strange new twist: she falls in love with a new character named, Schmatrick Smarrigan.  Their scenes will be full of passion and involve copious amounts of motorboating. (For a preview of what's in store check out this NSFW link right here.)

Then there's you, Dick Whitman.  You I've missed most of all.  What will you do?  I don't know.  ...and that's just so fucking Don Draper of you.

There you have it.  Let's see how close I am to being right.  And remember, the day you start watching this show is the first day we all start creeping towards the season finale.  But let's not think of that.  No, not tonight.

To check out my self-pleasuring live-tweeting be sure to click here, and tweet at me @PatrickGarrigan And remember: we did this together.

buttplosion™is a registered trademark of Greatness with Garrigan Gumption Enterprise.  All rights are reserved.  buttplosion™'s themselves are usually not reserved, however.

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