Monday, February 27, 2012

Your Oscars 2012 Cheat Sheet

The Oscars.  Hollywood's biggest night. A chance to give the 99% of 1%-ers an opportunity to finally get some stinkin' recognition.  I mean, would it kill you to once, just once send a "Thank You Hollywood Celebrity for Providing A Distraction from My Mind-Numbingly Banal Life" card to just one A-Lister? Probably, you ungrateful prick.  Luckily the humble Academy Awards are here to swoop in and tastefully fill that vacuum.

This year was a historic year for films.  Rather than nominate five films for best picture, they nominated nine!  Why?  Because Hollywood is just that good at making movies, that's why!  And why shouldn't even a nominally noteworthy film be able to put "Academy Award Nominated" on their discount bin dust jacket?

Nine Best Picture nominees.  All rich with acting and costumes and stuff.  Very exciting.  It would be even more exciting if I'd seen any of the movies for Best Picture, but I didn't because I'm busy, very busy.  That won't stop me from having opinions about the evening's affairs, however.  Opinions which I will share with you via doctored photos and comments without context.

Meryl Streep for the WIN!

Meryl Streep won Best Actress for her role as Julia Childs Margaret Thatcher in Iron Lady.  This was evidently a biiiiig shock to people because Meryl is soooo good and gets nominated allll the time, but never wins -likely due to her soooo goodness and it not being fair to the less-good actors.  So yeah, this was surprising to everyone.  The only thing that is surprising to me is that nobody else thinks Meryl sounds like a deaf person when she talks. 

The Artist Won Everything

The Artist won everything.  Except best script because, no talkey.  If there's one thing Hollywood loves, it's telling itself how awesome it is.  If there's another thing Hollywood loves, it's telling itself how awesome it's been for a long time.  This film does both and there's also a dog or some shit so they nailed making a movie this year. Nailed it, I tell you.  Again, I don't know any of this first hand and didn't see the picture show, I'm just exceptionally good a digesting movie trailers.  Lactose based products on the other hand?  Not so good at digesting those.

Jennifer Lopez's Nipple Presents An Award of Some Kind

Her love don't cost a thing, but double stick tape costs about $3.  This evening Jennifer Lopez and fellow hottie, Cameron Diaz, presented an award.  They came out, showed their asses and then opened an envelope and left.  It was unfunny but bonertastic.  However, upon greater review, it looks like we may have had a bona fide nip slip on our hands!  Yes perverts, gather 'round! Some people on the intertubes are saying it was a shadow or double stick tape or something, but based on this NSFW click through, I'm calling this race for the nipple.  America, you decide.

One of Angelina's Legs is Shorter Than the Other

Poor Angelina.  Through what I can only speculate is an osteoporosis/Sally Fields related affliction, one of Angie's legs is shorter than the other and as such she can now only wear dresses where the longer one gets to flail out there like a dog with his head out the window.  In other gossip news Angie's upsettingly long right leg is now in a Twitter fight with J. Lo's nip. Click on both and enjoy tomorrow's meme today.

Sasha Baron Cohen Wears Costume

I think SBC is funny, but the crazy guy in a costume saying silly things routine is a bit tired.  You know what's not tired?  Dumping things on Ryan Seacrest.  He's just too put together so I like it when things like this happen.  It serves to reinforce the message US Weekly strives so bravely to remind me, Stars Are Just Like Us.  If you prick us do we not bleed?  If you cover us in soot from your Malibu fireplace do we not get an underpaid PA from E! to go buy Ryan Seacrest a new tux at this late hour? And if you wrong Ryan Seacrest will he not promote your movie across his vast entertainment empire? Probably, that man's a whore.

I Love Emma Stone
I love Emma Stone. She was at the Oscars this year. Um, yeah, that's really all I have to say about that.  Here are three pictures of Emma Stone, 'cause why not.

And that, my chickadees, is all you need to know!  You may now begin your fan fiction.

UPDATED: Evidently someone invited Richard Dreyfuss to some event for some unknown reason and the guy just spouted off a bunch of nonsense about the Constitution and American's needing to sign it again or what-have-you because he's old and/or drunk.  So now you know that too! Hooray brain power!

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