Monday, February 27, 2012

Your Oscars 2012 Cheat Sheet

The Oscars.  Hollywood's biggest night. A chance to give the 99% of 1%-ers an opportunity to finally get some stinkin' recognition.  I mean, would it kill you to once, just once send a "Thank You Hollywood Celebrity for Providing A Distraction from My Mind-Numbingly Banal Life" card to just one A-Lister? Probably, you ungrateful prick.  Luckily the humble Academy Awards are here to swoop in and tastefully fill that vacuum.

This year was a historic year for films.  Rather than nominate five films for best picture, they nominated nine!  Why?  Because Hollywood is just that good at making movies, that's why!  And why shouldn't even a nominally noteworthy film be able to put "Academy Award Nominated" on their discount bin dust jacket?

Nine Best Picture nominees.  All rich with acting and costumes and stuff.  Very exciting.  It would be even more exciting if I'd seen any of the movies for Best Picture, but I didn't because I'm busy, very busy.  That won't stop me from having opinions about the evening's affairs, however.  Opinions which I will share with you via doctored photos and comments without context.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Day of the Show: "Call It What You Will...An Evening of the L Word"

You know, a lot of people ask me a lot of questions.  Questions like, "Hey asshole, why are you hogging all the guacamole?" and "Yo, short stack, where's the shitter?"

But another question that I frequently get is, what does a cultured business professional like yourself who lives an active lifestyle do for fun during the week?  The answer is simple: I hunker down in my underground bunker and X off the etchings on my homemade Mayan calendar, just counting down till End of Days.

Yes, a totally debilitating fear of Judgement Day makes me a complete and total shut in. So when I do leave the house, you know it's for something BIG.

That's why I'm encouraging you to join me in leaving your house too on a Tuesday to go and enjoy the song stylings of the incomparable Lauren Blackman.

I can say from my time treading the boards with this lovely lady that she is just fantastic!  So here's what you should do: You should pick up your mobile phone device and use the numbers to place a call (this is different than texting, as when the phone begins ringing you should place the device to your ear to communicate using your words to the person at the end of the line) to reserve your tickets -here's how!
  1. Steal someone's phone on the subway
  2. Call the Laurie Beechman Theater - 212.695.6909
  3. Reserve a block of 200 tickets
  4. Find 200 friends
  5. At 6:45pm arrive at the Laurie Beechman at 407 West 42nd Street (@ 9th Avenue) with 200 friends
  6. Take a seat as directed by the hostess
  7. Order some calamari or cheese stix or something
  8. Listen to music
  9. Go home & get on Facebook
  10. Tell everyone you know that you, like me, left your house, listened to someone singing lovely songs live at your face, and share that Lauren is the cat's pajama's!
It's just that easy!   Would you like a taste of what you'll see tonight? Well, okay!

Sound good?! Yes, indeed!  SOOOOO, I'll see you tonight -unless I run out of dates on my Mayan Calendar, in which case, have a nice (after)life!

Monday, February 06, 2012

I Just Made SO MUCH MONEY Writing Words on the Internet

Oh my goodness, you guys.  People like doing flash mobs and you should video record these flash mobs so that Asians can recreate them with eerie precision.  It's true. Just look at this and then look at this.

But enough about copyright infringement and intellectual property disputes in the Asian markets.  I have more to say about videos!  So much so that some folks have decided to give me an untold sum of U.S. currency to write about it.  Yes, dolla, dolla bills!

Videos + words + me = obscene amounts of loot.  

Like seriously, no human should make as much as I JUST MADE writing this article.  They were only going to pay me just a little bit of loot, but I think they really liked my transitions or one of my adverbs or something and they said, "aw fuck it, let's give him A LOT OF LOOT!"  ...and that's just what they did.

You want to read this amazing work that got me all that loot?  You bet you do and here's what you can do: You can click right here.

or here


From there line up the words until opinions about videos in marketing create movies in your mind.  It will be like Miss Saigon, except with less Asian prostitutes and again, more thoughts about the use of videos in marketing.


...and then come back and watch this video so you can act aloof when someone posts it on your Facebook wall tomorrow.

A special thanks to good my good Editor and the folks at Magnet Media.  I'll be posting some more soon (hopefully); so read it because I want to make EVEN MORE LOOT.

Sorry, my caps lock is !!!BROKEN!!!!


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