Sunday, January 22, 2012

Top 5 Tragedies That Would Have Ended Differently Had Mark Wahlberg Been There


There are a lot of unfortunate tragedies in this world, but one thing's for certain:


They'd all end a liiiiittle differently if Mark Wahlberg were there.

As you've probably heard by now, our dear friend Marky-Mark -sans Funky Bunch- made some rather grandiose statements in a recent interview with Men's Health where he waxed heroic about how things might have ended up if he were on one of the flights that hit the Twin Towers, as he was scheduled to do so:
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.”’
Which gives me tingles because it makes me feel like I am in a movie in Marky-Mark's mind.  Much like Contraband, the rest of America didn't care to buy a ticket to this film either, and well, understandably people freaked the fuck out

After digging a little further, I found that Mark has a storied history of weighing in on tragedies.  Here I have collected the top five most worrisome Wahlbergisms.

TRAGEDY #1: THE SINKING OF THE TITANIC
WAHLBERG ON THE TITANIC: “If I was on that boat with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot me kicking the iceberg from the poop deck and then me saying, ‘OK, fighting icebergs is right in my wheelhouse, don’t worry.”’


 TRAGEDY #2: THE KARDASHIAN WEDDING
WAHLBERG ON THE KARDASHIAN WEDDING: “If I was at the wedding with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. Let's just say that white wedding wouldn't have been so white and then me, I'd say to the guests, ‘OK, we're going to make sure you're reimbursed for everything on the registry, don’t worry.”’


TRAGEDY #4: THE MORTGAGE CRISIS
WAHLBERG ON THE MORTGAGE CRISIS: “If I was in the mortgage business with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of me thoroughly evaluating the creditworthiness of each loan applicant, you know, as a person, not just a number and making sure that the interest rates were fair and then me, I'd say, ‘OK, we’re going to get you a good house that you can afford, don’t worry.”’


TRAGEDY #4: THE PERRY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
 WAHLBERG ON THE PERRY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN: “If I was on that campaign with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of awesome photo ops with him kissing babies and maybe we'd like ride horses into town and cool stuff like that and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to just shoot fake bullets in the air like old timey cowboys PYOO! PYOO!, don’t worry,” We'd probably also get some boots made with our names on them.’


TRAGEDY #5: CLOWNS
WAHLBERG ON THE EXISTENCE OF CLOWNS: “If I was at the circus with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood making those noses red and then me saying, ‘OK, I'm gonna get you kids some cotton candy, delicious cotton candy, don’t worry.”’


He has since apologized for all of these comments, but I don't care.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hello!to say thank you for this interesting article! =) Peace, Joy.

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