Sunday, January 01, 2012

A Reading of My (Tony-worthy) Broadway Proposal


I am the next Shakespeare.


Except with much better hair.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have arrived.  On Friday, just a few ticks away from 2012, I had the big premiere of my first ever Broadway play.  As I enter my late early mid thirties, I think it goes without saying that I'm probably the most delusional prolific person I know.  With this new achievement, I think it goes without saying that the only natural step is to...


GIVE ME A TONY!!!

Look, I know what you're thinking, how can we possibly give him a Tony (or Tonys, as the case may be) if we haven't even seen or read his work? Well okay then, treat your eyes to literary delight.
Playwright:

Thanks so much for taking a little time to join me to read through this.  This is a small project I’ve been working on for a few weeks that I just wanted to hear out loud, so thank you for indulging me.  Today we have the lovely (actor names) here offering their talents.  This is totally a work in progress, so I welcome your thoughts and feedback afterwards. We’re a little tight on time so without further adieu, 252 Saturdays.

Todd (to the audience):

Interviews.  The purgatory of the job seeker.  I think the only thing actually worse than interviewing for a job is ultimately working.  Maybe not.  You see, for the past (4) years, I’ve been on a perpetual interview process.  When you graduate from Brown with a degree in Creative Writing, you think to yourself, “I have arrived.  The saving grace of the literary world is ready to accept your offers!” I may have arrived, but the HR person is running juuuust a few minutes late, and when he or she does arrive, well, this is what I get…

Publishing Exec (cokehead, douchebag):

Mr. Ann?
Todd:

Yes.
Publishing Exec:

That’s your name? Todd Ann?  You have two first names. A boy name and a girl name.

Todd:

Um, yup.


Publishing Exec:

Sucks to be you.

Todd:

Ahhhh, not real –I mean sure, you know, kids can be cruel.  Thanks so much for taking the time to meet with me today.  I’ve wanted to get into publishing for as long as I can remember.

Publishing Exec:

That is great, just great. Do you know how I got to be here today, perched in the corner office of the Flatiron building, youngest VP of St. Martin Press ever? Do you, Todd Ann?

Todd:

I can only imagine it is through hard work and dedication to the business. I’m excited to really put that kind of work in, to learn from others in a collaborative working environment.

Publishing Exec:

I got to this point because my grandfather, Maury, left me with 2% royalties on his book, “Tuesdays with Maury”, now I’m royalty.

Todd:

How funny. I always thought “Tuesdays with Maury” was written by Mitch Albom.

Publishing Exec:

(Stares at him for a beat) Window.

Todd:

What?

Publishing Exec:

Window.

Todd:

I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

Publishing Exec:

Window, it’s what I’m going to throw you out if you don’t get out of here in 5 seconds.
(Scene ends, Todd back to audience)

Todd:

And that was a calm one.  Following yet another disaster, I’m back the drawing board, spending another Saturday fine tuning my resume. While that was obviously awful, there’s the other extreme, those interviews that are just too, I don’t know, touchy feely.

HR Lady (a total hippie earth child):

(Begins humming Enya’s “Only Time” oblivious to the fact the Todd has entered the room, totally spaced out, then singing): Who can say where the road goes, as your day…

Todd:

Excuse me.

(HR Lady continues humming, doesn’t hear him)

Excuse me!
HR Lady:

Oh my, I’m so sorry, dear. There is just something so intoxicating about Enya and Winter Solstice isn’t there? A sense of rebirth, no?

Todd:

Yeah, I love the winter months.

HR Lady:

But you’re a Virgo aren’t you?

Todd:

That’s very impressive! How did you know that?
 
HR Lady:

Mr. Wiggles, told me. My cat (gestures to the cat). Don’t worry, he’s stuffed.

Todd:

Well, that is fantastic. I’m actually here about the Editorial Assistant position you posted on Mediabistro.

HR Lady:

Can I call you Toby?

Todd:

Uh, sure.

HR Lady:

Tobias, I see a lot of pain in your eyes. How can I help your energy?

Todd:

Well, a job would be nice. He he he…

HR Lady:

Um, hmmmm. Yessss…

HR Lady:

You know what I think it is? Your chi is out of alignment, come here, into my heart chakra.  Let’s free those demons. (Attempts to bring him into her chest)

Todd:

You know, that’s very nice of you, but I’m gonna have to pass.

HR Lady:

Um, hmmmm, too bad. Probably for the best though, we just filled the Editorial position anyway.

Todd:

So what was with all the straightening my chai talk?

HR Lady:

Chi. And I don’t know. I guess I care too much.

Todd:

Well, thank you for sufficiently wasting my time and giving me the creeps. I’ve gotta go.

HR Lady:

Okay, but do leave your number with Margot, I’d love to get together for coffee ‘n colonics one morning. 

(He leaves)

What a nice gay man.

(To the audience again)

Todd:

Today I’ve turned a corner.  I’ve given up on going in for the interview.  Today, a new plan, and here it is: my manuscript.  252 Saturdays since I first moved here and now I’m making moves.  Today is the day that writers dream about.  I’m making my pitch.  It’s time to close the deal.

Publishing Editor:

Todd, I have to tell you, I’ve given the manuscript a quick scan and I really like what I see.  It’s funny, it’s fresh –but enough of me going on, this is your proposal.  Lay it out for me - what’s 252 Saturdays about?

Todd:

252 Saturdays is about a guy who meets this girl on St. Patrick’s Day, and they hit it off immediately.  They start hanging out and quickly become friends.  They continue to stay friends for a few years and their relationship starts to grow, and after the girl, Salli’s her name, tells him that she needs to be free and have “Hoe-8,” they ultimately get together.  The rest of the book covers their life and how their relationship grows.  They move in together & make a home, they go to exotic locales like Madison, Wisconsin, they dominate weddings with their absurd dancing skills, and they support each other unconditionally.

Patrick:

…and then at the very end of the book, the guy Patrick, has her fired from work, tricks her into going to a reading of a really crappy play, and then takes to one knee, pulls out a ring, and says, “Salli Ann Melfi, will you marry me?”
###

SO FANTASTIC, RIIIIIIIGHT?  Well, to see the page to stage version, give this a dance...

You know what? Maybe I don't need a Tony right now. On Friday, I got something so much better.

5 comments:

Mamasita said...

Your best blog EVER! Congratulations!

Tory said...

yayayayayay! i was hoping you would write about it so all of us who weren't cast in the "252 Saturdays" reading could see it! xo and congrats!

Liz said...

I somehow happened upon your blog and am just IN LOVE with it. Thank you for posting, yay to you and Sally!! Yay love!!

Anonymous said...

That is truly awesome. You didn't get a Tony, but you got a SALLI!

Fin said...

This is the best thing I have ever seen. EVER!!!
xoxo
Fin

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