Tuesday, January 10, 2012

C'ead Mile Failte is More Than Enough Welcomes - An Irish Adventure: Part I

"C'ead Mile Failte..."

Which in Gaelic roughly translates to, "Kennedy was really a pretty average president and if it wasn't for Dallas, he'd probably just be remembered for The Bay of Pigs."

Oh, calm down, he's dead.

Much like Kennedy, Ireland's 2nd Favourite Son, purveyor of Greatness, yours truly is making his way to the Motherland, The Old Sod, The Emerald Isle, That Country Next to the One That Has London on It, Dear 'Ol Ireland.

What does a Garrigan trip to Ireland look like?  Well, let's take a peek at the O'tinerary, shall we?

While people may make jokes, I am truly proud of my Irish heritage and have been looking forward to this trip for some time.  As such, I've gone to great lengths to study up and prepare so that I might get the most of the experience.  With that in mind, please find the following itinerary: 
Thursday, January 12, 2012
5:00pm – Limo pick up at [REDACTED] 36th Avenue; use Krystal to make it rain on the bitches.
6:40pm – Check-in in at Delta International Departures; claim to be Sam Rockwell and demand 1st Class upgrade with and little person attendant dressed as a leprechaun
9:40pm – Flight departs for Dublin, Ireland
Friday, January 13, 2012
9:30am – Arrival in Dublin; immediately adopt improbable brogue and do bell-kicks all through airport
9:50am - Pick up teeth and dignity - both of which were ruthlessly beaten to the floor by local hooligans
10:30am – Bags are collected, snack is picked up and catch a cab to Temple Bar Hotel
11:30am - Argument ensues when I demand hypoallergenic toilet paper. Check-in clerk informs me that there's no such thing.  I inform the check-in clerk that my asshole doesn't know that.
12:00pm – Lunch in Temple Bar area; exact location TBD 
14:30 – Tour Book of Kells - try to hide disappointment that the Book of Kells is not Tiger Beat clippings of Kelly Kapowsky  
16:30 – Shopping on Grafton Street -cause whatever, it's not like Kelly Kapowski will be there
~19:00 – Dinner at Porterhouse; drown my sorrows and refer to fellow patrons as "my loyal subjects".
Saturday, January 14, 2012
4:30 – Rise & Shine!
5:30 – Leave hotel for Dublin Heuston Station via cab 
7:00 – Depart for Limerick, Cliffs of Moher, Bunratty Castle & Galway
10:00 - Arrive in Limerick. Drop acid, enjoy watching this take place before my very eyes:
21:00 – Arrive back in Dublin / rehydrate / marvel at my recently discovered fiddle skills
22:00 – Nightcap / Bedtime
Sunday, January 15, 2012
9:00 – Rise & Shine
10:00 – Irish Breakfast - ask hostess if I have to eat all the Irish to be a member of The Clean Plate Club
11:00 – Hugh Lane Gallery; eat bacon next to priceless Francis Bacon paintings because I can.  
13:00 – Lunch (cab in, if necessary)
14:00 – Go to Dublin Castle; order a Crave Case®
15:00 – Guinness Storehouse Tour; remark that they, "give good head here," to hilarious effect
17:00 – Shit my brains out from all that bacon & the Crave Case®
22:00 – Pedialyte / Bedtime
Monday, January 16, 2012
7:00 – Rise & Shine
8:00 – Breakfast 9:00 - Meet up with Morgan Freeman
9:30 – Somberly tour Kilmainham Gaol while Morgan walks next to me gently narrating my every move.  You know, where he tells me about my contributions to Shawshank Kilmainham and how I walked around like a man who didn't have a care in the world.  As he does this I'll amble through the yard and kick some stones and stuff.  He'll skip narrating the parts that involve man on man action though -which is real nice of him.  That's just the kind of guy Morgan Freeman is.
12:00 – Jameson Tour; buy Morgan Freeman a drink.  He will be parched from all that narrating   13:00 - Inquire as to what part of the tour we get to arm wrestle that braggart, John Jameson.  
15:30  - Head back to Temple Bar Hotel
17:00 – Depart for Dinner
17:30 – Dinner at Wynn Hotel Saints & Scholars Lounge; ask to be seated in either the "Saints" or "Sluts" sections
19:30 – Attend Abbey Theatre production of The Government Inspector
21:30 – Show concludes; attend talkback featuring Phylicia Rashad, even though Phylicia Rashad was not even in the damn production.
22:00 – Apologize to audience on behalf of America for her self-congratulatory banality; scurry home to eat some biscuits.  I really like biscuits.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012  
7:00 – Depart for airport / check out of hotel
8:00 -  Check-in at Delta International Departures 11:20 - Flight departs; immediately "pull a Depardieu" shrug and inform everyone of Patrick's Law, "it burns when you try to pinch it off."
2:00pm – Arrive at JFK; Limo pick up -this time with hoes!  They're not quite as nice as bitches, but I'll be jet-lagged so who am I to judge?
3:30pm – Upload pictures to show how cool I am to my gajillion Facebook friends / congratulate myself on being so goddamn worldly   
So there you have it! And if I have the time, and a little bit of crack, I may even marry Sinead O'Connor for a few hours!

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