Sunday, January 22, 2012

Top 5 Tragedies That Would Have Ended Differently Had Mark Wahlberg Been There

There are a lot of unfortunate tragedies in this world, but one thing's for certain:

They'd all end a liiiiittle differently if Mark Wahlberg were there.

As you've probably heard by now, our dear friend Marky-Mark -sans Funky Bunch- made some rather grandiose statements in a recent interview with Men's Health where he waxed heroic about how things might have ended up if he were on one of the flights that hit the Twin Towers, as he was scheduled to do so:
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.”’
Which gives me tingles because it makes me feel like I am in a movie in Marky-Mark's mind.  Much like Contraband, the rest of America didn't care to buy a ticket to this film either, and well, understandably people freaked the fuck out

After digging a little further, I found that Mark has a storied history of weighing in on tragedies.  Here I have collected the top five most worrisome Wahlbergisms.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Skulduggery in Dublin - An Irish Adventure: Part II

As I mentioned last week, from January 12th - 17th I went back to ye olde homeland, Ireland.

When prepping for the trip, I was so excited for the many things that I might encounter: culture, a freshly poured pint of Guinness (or 23), warm welcoming locals and gorgeous landscapes. However, what I discovered was something even more surprising.

I discovered I'm quite good at scowling in photos.  Why, this is me scowling at The Burren. Below, is me scowling at the Kilmainham Gaol -which is understandable, it's a totally scowlable place.

The moment I realized I was really good at scowling though, was here at the Cliffs of Moher.

Just look at me scowling here.  Who scowls at the Cliffs of Moher?  It's beautiful.  You smile at the Cliffs of Moher, it's a very smiley place.  That's what you do, you smile. You don't scowl.  Unless you've got talent, that is.

Well, what with me scowling all over the country, it wasn't long until I got roped into a dark world of intrigue, the smarmy underbelly of a Dublin rarely seen by your traditional tourist.  A sinister web of sinners & singers.  The world of Salli Melfi: Theatrical Agent.  Take a look.

I cannot wait for that movie to come out on VHS.

As for me, well, luckily, I've escaped this seedy, clandestine country of conceit and chorus calls.  But the memories, oh the memories, I shall never forget them...

Just like I'll never forget the appeal of Milli Vanilli.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

C'ead Mile Failte is More Than Enough Welcomes - An Irish Adventure: Part I

"C'ead Mile Failte..."

Which in Gaelic roughly translates to, "Kennedy was really a pretty average president and if it wasn't for Dallas, he'd probably just be remembered for The Bay of Pigs."

Oh, calm down, he's dead.

Much like Kennedy, Ireland's 2nd Favourite Son, purveyor of Greatness, yours truly is making his way to the Motherland, The Old Sod, The Emerald Isle, That Country Next to the One That Has London on It, Dear 'Ol Ireland.

What does a Garrigan trip to Ireland look like?  Well, let's take a peek at the O'tinerary, shall we?

Monday, January 09, 2012

I Got Stated (with Patti Murin)

I love me.

...and I also love girls with incredible abdominal muscles.  You know, real -badaboom- "athletic-like". Recently, I combined these two loves as I joined the writing staff of stated as a Performing Arts Contributor.  In this new capacity, you'll find me tempering my love of star-fucking (both real and imagined) with unparalleled, shameless self-promotion.  In this first installation I have a chat with Patti Murin star of the sadly now shuddered, Lysistrata Jones.  She's a super fantastic lady and I'm sure you'll see her again super soon -in fact, I know you will.  If I can just get $4M more from investors for Patrick: The Musical.  But enough of that sassafras, CLICK THIS HYPERLINK THAT I HAVE HIGHLIGHTED HERE, YES THIS ONE THAT IS ALL CAPS AND BOLD AND A DIFFERENT COLOR to hear my interview with the delightful, M(r)s. Murin(-Holbrook).

Sunday, January 01, 2012

A Reading of My (Tony-worthy) Broadway Proposal

I am the next Shakespeare.

Except with much better hair.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have arrived.  On Friday, just a few ticks away from 2012, I had the big premiere of my first ever Broadway play.  As I enter my late early mid thirties, I think it goes without saying that I'm probably the most delusional prolific person I know.  With this new achievement, I think it goes without saying that the only natural step is to...


Look, I know what you're thinking, how can we possibly give him a Tony (or Tonys, as the case may be) if we haven't even seen or read his work? Well okay then, treat your eyes to literary delight.


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