Sunday, December 02, 2012

Ho! Ho! Homeland!


There are two things I love in this world: They are Christmas & Homeland.  Because I love thinking outside the box - like seriously, I thought inside a box once and it was horrible - I came up with an idea: what if I combined the heart-pumping action of Homeland, with the joy of the holiday season?

Now, I know the writers of Homeland are busy engineering the next diabolical machination of Abu Nazir, so I decided to take it upon myself to brainstorm a few ideas to: A.) protract the length of this season B.) provide a moment for us all to catch our breaths; and C.) bring the joy of the holidays to this exceedingly dark program.

But don't worry, I will make sure there are plenty of plot twists.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Saturday Morning Cartoons: Your Holiday Brunch Plans



You guys, life is hard.  Especially around the holidays.

video

Well, I can't do anything about the fact that you have big tittays or your dog doesn't like to have it's toenails clipped, but there's one thing I can help with.  Your plans for this Saturday's brunch.

Much like you, I've often thought, I wish I could see Saturday morning cartoons acted out live onstage by horribly talented people while getting shitfaced on bottomless cocktails.  Luckily for you that thing exists in real life, in the U.S. Americas, and I'm going to make all your dreams come true.


This Saturday at noon come to the Laurie Beechman Theatre for Saturday Morning Cartoons Live to see some incredibly talented people act out the most absurd, innuendo-laden Saturday morning cartoons for your holiday enjoyment.

So  join me December 1st and see people who are much, much more talented than I do funny things, while I attempt to channel my inner Bill Murray.

What are the cartoons being acted out?  We'll you'll just have to come out to find out!  Here are the deets!

SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS: HOLIDAY EDITION
THE LAURIE BEECHMAN THEATRE - 407 WEST 42ND STREET
DOORS OPEN AT 11:30AM AND SHOW BEGINS AT NOON!
Call 212.695.6909 for Reservations

See you HO! HO! HO!'s there!

...but seriously, it's really fun.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Rejected Paula Broadwell Book Titles



NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A HANDY, AMIRIGHT GUYSSSSS?

Well, the cable news outlets are all a tizzy as it was revealed that retired general David Petraeus has stepped down from his post as director of the CIA citing hot, hot lovemaking with Ms. Paula "Not David Petraues's Wife" Broadwell.

What has unfolded since this was made known is nothing short of awesome.  I could tell you about it, but Gawker recently created a really lovely infographic which makes sense of what has happened using words and pictures.  Neat!

Surely someone saw this coming - so to speak.  How did this paramour and her inamorato carry out this affair undetected until a just few weeks ago? Perhaps someone did...

The investigative team here at GWGG has uncovered the mother-load: titles rejected by Penguin Publishing for Broadwell's book about Petraeus ultimately titled, ALL IN. Let's take a look, yes?

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

#GWGGElection: Your 2012 Liveblog


I am America.  You are America.  Tonight, like the U.S. Americans we are, we join to make the 2012 GWGG Election Liveblog.


Greetings, my fellow Americans.  Republicans, Democrats and Undecideds - who have no fucking place in our democracy because you're clearly an idiot who is too stupid or too self-absorbed to pay attention - I bid you Merry Election Day.

Welcome to your official Greatness with Garrigan Gumption liveblog.  Because I am a man-on-the go, I will be using the tweeters (hastag #GWGGElection)to provide you with the latest in commentary, and so that I can proudly declare at 12:01AM that Bill Clinton is King of America once more.

To get in on the hot, sweaty, fudgy, prickly, sneaky, tingly, tangy political news (along with real-time Mary Matalin tit pics) refresh your browser for the latest Tweets.  You'll love it!  

Better yet, participate in the conversation on Twitter using the hashtag #GWGGElection and get in on the action.  It will be like Die Hard except without Bruce Willis and no one will be hard.

Let the democracy begin & let it begin with me.

 

Monday, October 29, 2012

Getting a (Bell) Kick Out of Morocco


Salam, suckers!  This is a picture of Morocco where I just was.  It was sunny.

New York sucks right now.  Like, it really sucks.  We're all just sitting at home looking out the window at that tree that, isn't going to, but looks like it could come crashing through our window at any time, in between checking Facebook and reminding our friends to "stay safe" when what we really mean is, "I wish I'd bought more wine." Hurricane Sandy is ruining my re-entry into life and I don't like it one bit.

What I'm most upset about is how devoid New York is of mirth.  Where's the mirth, man?  When I was in Morocco just 48 hours ago, I had some motherfucking mirth then - believe me, you.  Bell-kicking motherfucking mirth.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

More Than A Ring: A Race to the Aisle

Would you look at the jugs on that one on the left?  She's surpassing the bulkheads!


Speaking of jugs, here at Greatness with Garrigan Gumption, I strive to tell you nothing of consequence about my own life.  I do this because I'm a Howard Hughes-esque recluse who spends most of his days pissing into 12oz. mason jars and french braiding my eyebrow hair.  You see, I value privacy.

That said, I feel I owe you, my public, an explanation as to the infrequency of my posts.  The truth is, I am getting married - like to another person. A female person.

Last December, as some of you may recall, I got engaged to Ms. Salli Melfi.  If you want to relieve that magic, you can click here.  If you don't, just trust me it was awesome.  Like SOOOO MUCH BETTER than anything you could ever cook up.

After that was done, I thought I could just put up my feet and wait to be showered in a dowry of  (4) goats, (2) candle sticks, and at last, my life goal of a bathtub full of pennies.  Unfortunately, that isn't the case.  After the engagement, that's when the work begins.

Monday, September 03, 2012

In the Open


I am cool, and I am post-Labor Day fat and I am lazy and these are pictures of the U.S. Open.


This is the time that I looked cool in a tennis stadium.


This is the time I "single-handedly" took down the DirectTV blimp.


This is an aerial shot of Serena Williams's ass.

That's pretty much all you need to know.  Gonna go eat my 8th soft pretzel and continue on with my previously scheduled self-loathing.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Let's Get Colorful

This weekend I ran my first 5K.  Now get your asses over here and give me a fucking high-5.

After training on a diet of meatball hoagies (just like that Yoko Ono fellow who shills for Subway) and a training regimen that consisted mostly of prolonged skipping, I did it - the 2012 NYC 5K Color Run.  So now all my elementary, middle and high school gym teachers are cordially invited to kiss my ass.

What was this comprised of?  Well, ma dear Salli Melfi and I lay it out for you plain.



And to those of you out there who say, "waaaait a minute, that doesn't look like a legit 5K," you're right and shut up.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Tony Horton v. Paul Ryan


It seems every pundit has his or her point of view about the newly minted Vice Presidential nominee, Paul Ryan: "He's too conservative!" "He'll kill our olds!" He looks like Freddie Munster."

Yes, everyone has had their say, except for one man, P90X's Tony Horton.  That is until now.


Yummy, yummy, yummy indeed.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Everything Matt Flynn Knows, He Learned From Me


This is Matt Flynn. Last night he started for the Seattle Seahawks, a US American footballing team.


How does someone go from virtual unknown to starting quarterback?  He watched this video where I explain how football works.


TOUCHDOWN!  All your money & wives can be sent to GWGG World Headquarters.

Monday, August 06, 2012

Roshovlog


This guy fricking loves vlogs.


Or maybe he's just got a bondage fetish - and who doesn't, amiriiiiiiight???!!

For those uninitiated, Roshomon is a Japanese film which follows the same story as told through the eyes of (4) different people.  This style is also the modus operandi for most pornos.

Since I've decided to embark on the magical world of vloggery this month, I thought how cool would it be to have a conversation, but to provide two different perspectives on that same conversation?  You know what I did?  I got all crazypants and did just that.

In the video below, you'll find my perspective, and in the one below it that of fellow vlogger, media maven extraordinaire, Ryan Swearingen.

Let's take a look.


And as for Ryan's point of view?  It looked a little something like this.


Is your mind blown? Is it? Well, is it? Good.  You'll need your mind to finish reading the rest of this post.


Luckily for your there's just this picture and a couple of more sentences you'll have to read.  High brow shit for a decidedly low-brow medium.  Will someone give me an now Oscar, pleases?

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Is THIS Vlogging?


I love me.  As I think about me, I can't help but think, "how can I give more me to you so you can love me too?"

Eureka! Vlogging.

Vlogging is like blogging, but rather than using my words for self-satistfaction, I use moving pictures - just like the flickers!

As inspired by 's Savvy Sexy Social site, I will be participating in VEDA, Vlogging Every Day (in) August.  It is not called VEDIA because, as we all know, small words don't count.

Here's a sneak peek at what's in store.



If you want to see the daily posts, be sure to check out the GWGG YouTube page, and I'll post the best ones here ALL MONTH LONG.

No need to thank me, your unending adoration is thanks enough.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Meghan McCain: Decoding the Train Wreck


Some people love to follow Kim Kardashian or The Real Housewives of Gary, Indiana or Lark Voorhies or whoever.

Me? I have Meghan McCain.


I have long been fascinated by people who are famous for no reason.  Not so I can ridicule them (OK, maybe it's so I can ridicule them), but also so I can learn their tactics and leverage this knowledge to begin my own media empire; allowing me to while away the rest of my life independently wealthy, watching the Bourne Trilogy on a non-stop loop.

But enough about Jason Bourne, let's talk about Meghan McCain.  Join me as we venture into the world of the YouTubes and Google Image Search to unpack the secrets to her success and answer once and for all, why is Meghan McCain so goddamn popular?

Sunday, July 08, 2012

Kate Upton is Talent


If you picked up this month's issue of GQ, you maaaay have seen this picture... 


...but probably not because I just made this on my computer using MS Paint like a 4th grader.

This month's issue actually looks more like this.


And for lovers of of phallic not-so-subtleties everywhere, America is all the better for it.

As I fingered my grubby paws through the pages of this issue, I couldn't help but think to myself, I sure can't wait to be introduced to Ms. Kate Upton's breasts talents.

Midway through the article, I couldn't help but notice that they didn't really spell out exactly what those talents were.  So naturally I Googled our friend here, and I finally discovered her buoyant assets.


At first I thought there was going to be more to it, but that's really it.  Initially, I was a little confused, and then I watched it again and again and again...and it all made sense.

If you need more convincing, well, here you go.

 

In addition to all these skills, I'm told Kate Upton also has a well-endowed bosom.

America in decline?  I think not.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Fuzzy Father's Day Memories



Actually, I believe my Papa is pretty indifferent about Mambo, but the song makes me happy and let's be honest, this blog is all about me.


Much like you, I too have a Father, a man who help give me life, and taught me to roll up my sleeves two folds - you know, so it looks professional, but like you're not afraid to get your hands dirty -like in All the President's Men, yeah, like that. Also the axiom that has most closely guided my life: if you're not quite sure about something, just make it up and hope no one notices. You know, the important stuff.

Yes, my poppa has taught me quite a lot over the past 33 years.  While I have no memories before Facebook existed, I'd like to take you on a trip through the Garrigan Family Scrapbook to share a few special moments that I've had the good fortune to share with Dear Old Dad.

Sunday, June 03, 2012

Downton Abbey & Current American Attitudes


There's been a change in me...

,

A kind of moving on. Though what I used to be, I still depend upon. For now I realize, that good can come from bad. That may not make me wise, but oh it makes me glad. These are the immortal words of Howard Ashman & Tim Rice from Disney's Beauty & the Beast.

What is this new awareness, this heightened understanding?

I have just consumed all 16 episodes of Downton Abbey in a little less than (5) days.  I know I may be a little late to the party, but ooooh buddy I am hooked.

Oh yeah...and now I have shit figured out too, bro.

THEATERONLINE.COM: DOUBLES CROSSED

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Gone Downton

No, not downtown, you crass American.  Downton.


I will rejoin you when no other episodes remain.


Sunday, May 20, 2012

Facebook IPO

In honor of the Facebook IPO, a loose association of assholes made this video to say thank you to newlywed Mark Zuckerberg.

So out of morbid curiosity, I gave this a listen, tore off your ears...

...and bought Facebook stock.

As a result, I now live under the Triborough Bridge.  Please send sandwiches.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

In Celebration of the ManMosa


Summertime is...


Sticky.

Memorial Day may still be two weeks away, but this weekend's scrumptious temps has  got everyone in a summa state of mind.  As a result, all your favorite blog and periodical writers have sprung to their keyboards to share with you the one thing above all others that you just have to do/consume, lest you be relegated to your parent's basement for an eternity of furious masturbation.

Not to be outdone, I too, in close collaboration with the editorial team here at Greatness with Garrigan Gumption, am ready to declare the one thing you will need this summer season.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

'Twas GREAT Success: MS Walk 2012



Team Dan's Lost Luggage: Part IV was back in the habit this past Sunday, and guess what?


We nailed it.

Yes, 3 hours and 2.5 cups of coffee and our intrepid team made it across the Brooklyn Bridge and back with aplomb.

As they say, no man is an island -- with the notable exeption of my friend, John Island -- and I couldn't have done this without the a team of fearless pedestrians and these beautiful folks who sponsored me:

Candance Bensel
Justin Brill
Jeremy Brown
Mary Lou Burkhardt
Abby Church
Findley "Larry" Davidson
Colin Donnell
Ben & Francoise Donnell
Mark Fisher of Mark Fisher Fitness (in)Fame(y)
Penny Forster
Mary Garrigan
Patti Holbrook
Jack Lane
Jennifer Merritt
Erin & Ryan Mills
Jake Porter
Lisa & John Richardson
Tory Ross
Dante Sabatino
Christina Scharer
Johnny "John" Scharer
Mildly Bitter
Steven Silverstein
Amy Spielholtz
William Taylor
Virginia Thompson
Kevin Wanzor
Angela Yost

Also, big ups to the 2012 Team Dan's Lost Luggage roster:

Mary Garrigan
Salli Melfi
Erick Pinnick

...and these socks:


Thank you so much to all who sponsored us or passed on kind words!  This year's outing brought Team Dan's Lost Luggage's career-long total to $14,000, which couldn't have happened without your support and kindness.

Thank you.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Countdown to Combat MS


Time keeps on slippin' into the future!

  

The date is nearly upon us.  This Sunday, Team Dan's Lost Luggage takes to the Brooklyn Bridge for the 4th straight year and we're making our final appeal (I promise) for your support!

If you've donated already, thank you so much.  If you haven't and would like to, there's still time.  Simply click the link below and follow the instructions:


If you'd like to help but you just don't have the loot,  join us for the walk starting at the South Street Seaport this Sunday, April 29th at 9:00am. Email me at the link here for more details.

Thank you to the entire GWGG community; your generosity has been tremendous and is really helping to positively impact the lives of those affected by this disease.

Stay swell and thanks.

Expert for Hire



Experts are a dime a dozen.  If you have a dime, I'm alllllll yours.

Yes, friends the world of cable punditry is missing one thing: Me.


Monday, April 16, 2012

An Open Letter to the Wise, Endorsement-Minded Folks at Polar Beverages


FROM THE DESK OF PATRICK T. GARRIGAN,
PURVEYOR OF GREATNESS

Patrick Garrigan
Astoria, NY 11106

April 15, 2012

Dear Sir or Madam:

I don't like very many things.  I am what you call "a hater".  As such, when I find something that I do like, I embrace these things with a white-knuckled death grip that makes those around me uncomfortable.  Luckily for you, I have found such an obsession in your new product Orange Vanilla Seltzer, and I have a proposition for you.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

LACE UP! Time to Walk to Fight MS


KEY-AHHHHH!
 

Sorry about that. Sometimes I'm overtaken by the spirit of Howard Dean and I lose all control. All control...

What has me so excited, you ask?  On April 29th, I will begin that most cherished tradition, where I dust off my pristine pair of golden, diamond-encrusted tennies and get ready to walk to Brooklyn and back in order to fight multiple sclerosis with Team Dan's Lost Luggage: Part IV.  Yes, we've been doing this for four years, do you believe that?  No?  Well, I have a video to prove it to you:


As the video points out, over the past 3 years, we've raised over $11G's, which is pretty cool any way you slice it.  This year we want to score event more loot to combat this disease, and that's where you come in.  If you would be so kind, please click the link below and any funds you can spare, be it a dollar or several hundred thousand, would be greatly appreciated.


There, that was nice wasn't it?

In other news, you like walking, don't you?  Then join us!  You can join by clicking through the same link above and using the menu bar click "Join Patrick's Team" from there just follow the instructions and then BOOM! instant friends.  It's just that easy!

In all seriousness, a sincere thank you to all those who have donated or walked with us over the past three years.  Your generosity, kindness and tolerance of my spammy tendencies is truly appreciated. We genuinely hope you'll consider supporting us in some capacity again this year!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with the little chocolate donuts, a long-time staple of my training table...

THEATERONLINE.COM: HA!

Hello fellow patriots.  Here's my latest review of The WorkShop Theater Company & The Foolish Theatre Company's production of HA! 

You know what, it's actually pretty great.  Click here to read my review and then go see the show!

Badassery for 1,000 Points, Alex


HILLARY 2016

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Mad Men Season 5 Predictions


You guys, we did it.


We paid our taxes on time, we helped little old ladies across the street and we courtesy flushed nearly every time we had a buttplosion.  In exchange for all your goodness, God hath opened the heavens and delivered his servant,  Matthew Weiner, unto us so that we might be saved from repeat episodes of Undercover Boss. Amen.

Yes, my dearies, through our love, patience, and benevolence, we shall now return to the land of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce.  But so much time has passed, where are our friends now? How will we even know what's happening?  WHERE ARE MY SHOES??? Tut-tut little children.  Based on no inside knowledge whatsoever, I proudly present to you GWGG's Season 5 Predictions.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Gone Drinkin'



Catch me if you can.

...but watch out.  If you're in a bar and you hear this, I've probably found you.


Happy St. Paddy's, alcoholics!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Lesley Stahl and Her Amazing Technicolor (Leather) Dreamcoat(s)



Waaait a minute! Jim Carrey? Where's Lesley Stahl?  I know where she is.  She's out buying colorful leather jackets.

60 Minutes is the best news magazine program out there.  It is the standard by which all others shall be measured.  I love this show.  I love it almost as much as I love going to the bank or a really crowded restaurant or the subway during rush hour and yelling to strangers, "OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE [INSERT HORRIBLY RELEVANT STORY / TOPIC] ON 60 MINUTES LAST NIGHT??? OMG, SOOO GOOD, RIGHT?"  They will sheepishly admit that they haven't and I will once again yell.  This time  I will yell, "YOU HAVEN'T??? OMG YOU'RE SOOOO MISSING OUT!!!"  Then I will retell each of the stories and making up details so it seems even sexier, causing the other person feel stupid for not watching what I have previously identified as the standard by which all news magazine programs will be measured by.  I like attention.


Throughout my years watching the program, I feel like I've gotten to know the anchors -intimately.  Not in a biblical sense, but more like a friend -a friend who's windows you peek in and periodically root through their garbage for items you refer to as "news artifacts".   One thing in particular I've noticed about my friend Lesley Stahl is she really likes wearing leather jackets of assorted colors.  Like, a lot.

Today I invite you to join me as we take a walk down Memory Lane with Lesley Stahl & Her Amazing Technicolor (Leather) Dreamcoat(s).

Help Disgustingly Talented People Do Weird Things



This is David Neumann.  He is disgustingly talented.  He has a multi-disciplinary performance company called Advanced Beginner Group.  The reason it is called this is because he's artsy and that's just the kind of name artsy people give to their groups.

Have you ever wanted to be artsy?  No? Okay, have you ever wanted to give money to people who are artsy? I can't hear you so I'm going to assume that's a yes.  Luckily there's an opportunity for you!  Here's just a little bit about the gig:


Are you pumped to help David do weird amazing things? Of course you are.


Just to give you a sense of his skills, this is an impromptu dance that David and I created at a wedding.


If he can create beautiful imagery like this on the fly, just imagine what he can do when he actually tries!  Give him some loot. I did and I feel fantastic.

THEATERONLINE.COM: Flight


Hey all, I'm back at it!  Be sure to click here to read about the state of the theatrical union as I review Alchemy Theatre Company of Manhattan’s quality production of Flight. Click here for the full review!

Sunday, March 04, 2012

The Registry



This is my Crate & Barrel scanner. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My Crate & Barrel scanner is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

My Crate & Barrel scanner, without me, is useless. Without my Crate & Barrel scanner, I am useless. I must fire my Crate & Barrel scanner true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will...

My Crate & Barrel scanner and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, or the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...

My Crate & Barrel scanner is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will keep my Crate & Barrel scanner clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...

Before God, I swear this creed. My Crate & Barrel scanner and myself are the defenders of my company'. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.

So be it, until victory is America's and there is no enemy, but peace!

WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT? READ ON, SOLIDER!

Rum-Pa-Pa-Pum


I'm having a love affair with Rihanna.



...sorry 'bout it.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Your Oscars 2012 Cheat Sheet



The Oscars.  Hollywood's biggest night. A chance to give the 99% of 1%-ers an opportunity to finally get some stinkin' recognition.  I mean, would it kill you to once, just once send a "Thank You Hollywood Celebrity for Providing A Distraction from My Mind-Numbingly Banal Life" card to just one A-Lister? Probably, you ungrateful prick.  Luckily the humble Academy Awards are here to swoop in and tastefully fill that vacuum.

This year was a historic year for films.  Rather than nominate five films for best picture, they nominated nine!  Why?  Because Hollywood is just that good at making movies, that's why!  And why shouldn't even a nominally noteworthy film be able to put "Academy Award Nominated" on their discount bin dust jacket?

Nine Best Picture nominees.  All rich with acting and costumes and stuff.  Very exciting.  It would be even more exciting if I'd seen any of the movies for Best Picture, but I didn't because I'm busy, very busy.  That won't stop me from having opinions about the evening's affairs, however.  Opinions which I will share with you via doctored photos and comments without context.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Day of the Show: "Call It What You Will...An Evening of the L Word"



You know, a lot of people ask me a lot of questions.  Questions like, "Hey asshole, why are you hogging all the guacamole?" and "Yo, short stack, where's the shitter?"

But another question that I frequently get is, what does a cultured business professional like yourself who lives an active lifestyle do for fun during the week?  The answer is simple: I hunker down in my underground bunker and X off the etchings on my homemade Mayan calendar, just counting down till End of Days.

Yes, a totally debilitating fear of Judgement Day makes me a complete and total shut in. So when I do leave the house, you know it's for something BIG.

That's why I'm encouraging you to join me in leaving your house too on a Tuesday to go and enjoy the song stylings of the incomparable Lauren Blackman.


I can say from my time treading the boards with this lovely lady that she is just fantastic!  So here's what you should do: You should pick up your mobile phone device and use the numbers to place a call (this is different than texting, as when the phone begins ringing you should place the device to your ear to communicate using your words to the person at the end of the line) to reserve your tickets -here's how!
  1. Steal someone's phone on the subway
  2. Call the Laurie Beechman Theater - 212.695.6909
  3. Reserve a block of 200 tickets
  4. Find 200 friends
  5. At 6:45pm arrive at the Laurie Beechman at 407 West 42nd Street (@ 9th Avenue) with 200 friends
  6. Take a seat as directed by the hostess
  7. Order some calamari or cheese stix or something
  8. Listen to music
  9. Go home & get on Facebook
  10. Tell everyone you know that you, like me, left your house, listened to someone singing lovely songs live at your face, and share that Lauren is the cat's pajama's!
It's just that easy!   Would you like a taste of what you'll see tonight? Well, okay!


Sound good?! Yes, indeed!  SOOOOO, I'll see you tonight -unless I run out of dates on my Mayan Calendar, in which case, have a nice (after)life!

Monday, February 06, 2012

I Just Made SO MUCH MONEY Writing Words on the Internet



Oh my goodness, you guys.  People like doing flash mobs and you should video record these flash mobs so that Asians can recreate them with eerie precision.  It's true. Just look at this and then look at this.

But enough about copyright infringement and intellectual property disputes in the Asian markets.  I have more to say about videos!  So much so that some folks have decided to give me an untold sum of U.S. currency to write about it.  Yes, dolla, dolla bills!

Videos + words + me = obscene amounts of loot.  

Like seriously, no human should make as much as I JUST MADE writing this article.  They were only going to pay me just a little bit of loot, but I think they really liked my transitions or one of my adverbs or something and they said, "aw fuck it, let's give him A LOT OF LOOT!"  ...and that's just what they did.

You want to read this amazing work that got me all that loot?  You bet you do and here's what you can do: You can click right here.

or here

OR HERE

From there line up the words until opinions about videos in marketing create movies in your mind.  It will be like Miss Saigon, except with less Asian prostitutes and again, more thoughts about the use of videos in marketing.

SO CLICK HERE.

...and then come back and watch this video so you can act aloof when someone posts it on your Facebook wall tomorrow.


A special thanks to good my good Editor and the folks at Magnet Media.  I'll be posting some more soon (hopefully); so read it because I want to make EVEN MORE LOOT.

Sorry, my caps lock is !!!BROKEN!!!!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Top 5 Tragedies That Would Have Ended Differently Had Mark Wahlberg Been There


There are a lot of unfortunate tragedies in this world, but one thing's for certain:


They'd all end a liiiiittle differently if Mark Wahlberg were there.

As you've probably heard by now, our dear friend Marky-Mark -sans Funky Bunch- made some rather grandiose statements in a recent interview with Men's Health where he waxed heroic about how things might have ended up if he were on one of the flights that hit the Twin Towers, as he was scheduled to do so:
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.”’
Which gives me tingles because it makes me feel like I am in a movie in Marky-Mark's mind.  Much like Contraband, the rest of America didn't care to buy a ticket to this film either, and well, understandably people freaked the fuck out

After digging a little further, I found that Mark has a storied history of weighing in on tragedies.  Here I have collected the top five most worrisome Wahlbergisms.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Skulduggery in Dublin - An Irish Adventure: Part II


As I mentioned last week, from January 12th - 17th I went back to ye olde homeland, Ireland.

When prepping for the trip, I was so excited for the many things that I might encounter: culture, a freshly poured pint of Guinness (or 23), warm welcoming locals and gorgeous landscapes. However, what I discovered was something even more surprising.


I discovered I'm quite good at scowling in photos.  Why, this is me scowling at The Burren. Below, is me scowling at the Kilmainham Gaol -which is understandable, it's a totally scowlable place.


The moment I realized I was really good at scowling though, was here at the Cliffs of Moher.


Just look at me scowling here.  Who scowls at the Cliffs of Moher?  It's beautiful.  You smile at the Cliffs of Moher, it's a very smiley place.  That's what you do, you smile. You don't scowl.  Unless you've got talent, that is.

Well, what with me scowling all over the country, it wasn't long until I got roped into a dark world of intrigue, the smarmy underbelly of a Dublin rarely seen by your traditional tourist.  A sinister web of sinners & singers.  The world of Salli Melfi: Theatrical Agent.  Take a look.


I cannot wait for that movie to come out on VHS.

As for me, well, luckily, I've escaped this seedy, clandestine country of conceit and chorus calls.  But the memories, oh the memories, I shall never forget them...

Just like I'll never forget the appeal of Milli Vanilli.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

C'ead Mile Failte is More Than Enough Welcomes - An Irish Adventure: Part I


"C'ead Mile Failte..."


Which in Gaelic roughly translates to, "Kennedy was really a pretty average president and if it wasn't for Dallas, he'd probably just be remembered for The Bay of Pigs."

Oh, calm down, he's dead.

Much like Kennedy, Ireland's 2nd Favourite Son, purveyor of Greatness, yours truly is making his way to the Motherland, The Old Sod, The Emerald Isle, That Country Next to the One That Has London on It, Dear 'Ol Ireland.

What does a Garrigan trip to Ireland look like?  Well, let's take a peek at the O'tinerary, shall we?

Monday, January 09, 2012

I Got Stated (with Patti Murin)


I love me.


...and I also love girls with incredible abdominal muscles.  You know, real -badaboom- "athletic-like". Recently, I combined these two loves as I joined the writing staff of stated as a Performing Arts Contributor.  In this new capacity, you'll find me tempering my love of star-fucking (both real and imagined) with unparalleled, shameless self-promotion.  In this first installation I have a chat with Patti Murin star of the sadly now shuddered, Lysistrata Jones.  She's a super fantastic lady and I'm sure you'll see her again super soon -in fact, I know you will.  If I can just get $4M more from investors for Patrick: The Musical.  But enough of that sassafras, CLICK THIS HYPERLINK THAT I HAVE HIGHLIGHTED HERE, YES THIS ONE THAT IS ALL CAPS AND BOLD AND A DIFFERENT COLOR to hear my interview with the delightful, M(r)s. Murin(-Holbrook).

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