Monday, December 05, 2011

The NYC Holiday Hit List

This sparkly-assed tree is in my apartment! You know what that means!

Artificial trees were on sale at Deals & Discounts! ...and Christmas, also.

The holidays are my favorite time of year in New York City -what with the getting black-out drunk and falling asleep in your clothes and awkward conversation at parties when all you're trying to do is clench your buttcheeks so you don't release a brie-induced cropduster, and oh the presents... all the disappointing, disappointing presents that you'll want to return but you won't because you're lazy and so they'll just collect dust next to your Nintendo Game Cube -which was a stupid fucking purchase in the first place.  Yes, that's Christmas to me.

With so much to do, however can you fit it all in?  Well tut-tut my dearies, I've taken the liberty of creating a Holiday Hit List to make sure you're able to get the most out of Unique New York's festive landscape.

Relive the Classics

This is a picture from inside the Harvard Club - they do joints like this up real nice during the holidays.  To get the most out of the elite holiday experience, here's what you do:
  • Put on a tattered blazer and muss up your hair
  • Burst in and find the first old rich dude you can; immediately begin referring to him as "Mr. Potter" - don't use any consonants when you speak
  • Mutter something about a $1 million dollar insurance policy, mistake at the bank, etc.
  • When security arrives to escort you out, claim to have discovered ZuZu's petals, break away and run shrieking into the street - for it is, in fact, a Wonderful Life
Why should you do this? Um, because you are the 99% percent and that entitles you to something or other and also the Harvard Club is as nice a place as any to #Occupy for the purposes of a quick dump.


Hobo's are such a pain in the ass during the holiday season.  Their smelliness and scabby feet really put a damper on New York's unbridled consumerism.

To help make the place a little cheerier, this is your moment to receive through giving.  
  • Go out and get yourself a hobo. 
  • Take the emergency set of keys you keep for your friend's apartment off your key ring and on a gum wrapper write your friend's address and apartment number on it
  • Lean over and whisper in the hobo's ear, "no one should be alone in [insert appropriate transit stop] on Christmas, Hugo," and then give him the address and the keys. Do this even if his name isn't Hugo
What will result, is the Thanksgiving episode of "Alf," I promise.

Embrace the Magic of Rockefeller Center

The Rock Center Christmas Tree, The Radio City Christmas Spectacular -this place is pure NYC Christmas. This year however, they have a new offering.  The Brian Williams Holiday Tour!  Yes, swing by Rock Center between 4:30am - 6:45am (the only hours when Brian isn't prepping for the evening news, working on his new show "Rock Center with Brian Williams" or shooting an endless stream of teasers for your crappy local newscasters wherein he soullessly fakes throwing to them after a segment about how ironically, in a strange twist of fate, deep sea divers have been adopting unwanted dogs abandoned after Hurricane Irene.) On the tour he'll tell you tales of his time working in the famed building and provide you with canned, producer-prompted jokes about how Williamsburg is overhyped (and it is).  Then he will pluck one blessed hair from his head, place it in a Mason jar, seal the jar and give it to your family so you might take it home and place it on your mantle for good luck. 

And so there you have it, friends!  I HO-HO-HOpe you enjoy these festive offerings as much as I do and for the record, I still want this for Christmas!

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