Monday, December 19, 2011

Deviant Christmas Songs



Siiiiiiilent niiiiiiight, Hoooooooooolllly -FUCKING SHIT SANTA HAS AN AXE!!!  Have you noticed how terrifying and deviant those seemingly harmless Chrismas ditties you've been humming for the past few months are?  No?  Well, I have and it is pretty dawg-gone awful.  I say, I'm telling you that much!  Don't believe me? Read on...


Baby, It's Cold Outside


"Say what's in this drink?" Seriously, of all the songs in the Christmas canon, this is by far the rape-yist of them all. 


I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus



Your mom is a whore, and I would like to meet her.


Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer


This tragic tale is the most obvious display of ruthless bullying I've ever seen in mainstream pop culture.  Denying a deer that right to play reindeer games simply due to the color of his nose?  Post-racial my ass.  If it wasn't for an "It Gets Better" video created by Snowy the white reindeer, Rudolph may have done something drastic & terrible.  Then what would happen the next time a foggy Christmas Eve rolled around, huh Santa? You'd be TOTALLY fuck'd, Santa -that's what.  It's time you take a little more responsibility for the behavior of your reindeer, fat man.


Dominick, The Italian Christmas Donkey




Not since Jersey Shore has a piece of entertainment made the Italian people look like such asses. See what I did there?


Santa Claus is Coming to Town



Now let me get this straight: He sees me when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake?  Uh uh, not without a warrant, PAL.  And don't give me any of that Patriot Act bullshit either.  I know my rights, you creepster.



Yeah, not such harmless melodies are they now?  No...  So the next time you're at a festive holiday party with these ditties wafting through the room, just remember, this guy may be wafting through as well.

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