Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Godfather: Part I – A Weekend At Baptism Prep



I’m on my way back from Boston where I spent the weekend with my sister, Lise, her husband, John, and their young’un, Calvin.  The main purpose of my trip was to take a class at the Holy [Insert Name, really, any Catholic-y Name will do.] Church to be prepared to welcome Calvin into the perpetually guilt-ridden Catholic faith.

When Lise, first asked if I'd become the Godfather, well, it didn’t go like a typical Godfather request.  Because we’re not a typical family.  We’re “connected,” ya see?  The scene, familiar to any cinephile [or if it's not familiar to you, you can click here], went a little more like this:


 Don Patrickoni:
We have known each other many years, but this, sis, is the first time you’ve come to me for counsel or for help. I can’t even remember the last time you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee –actually, I take that back, thanks for the beer, John.  I… may have overstated. But let’s be frank here. You never wanted my friendship. And you feared to be in my debt, because I have really high interest rates, and you haaaate really high interest rates.

Lisasera: 
You’re delusional.  I just wanted to know if you wanted to be Cal’s godfath-

Don Patrickoni: 
I understand. You found paradise in the suburbs of Boston. You had a good trade, maternity leave. The police protected you and there were courts of law that you never had to go to because you’re a real estate lawyer, and you don’t do that sort of thing. So you didn’t need a friend like me. Now you come and say  “Don Patrickoni, give me justice.” But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me “Godfather.”  You come into my house and ask me to hold the baptism candle – for money.

Lisasera: 
I just thought it might be nice since you’re his uncle, you’re in my house -and no, I’m definitely not going to pay you.

Don Patrickoni: 
This is not justice.

Lisasera: 
I don’t care; I’m not going to pay you.

Don Patrickoni: 
Lisa, Lisa what have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully?  If you‘d come to me in friendship, and offered oh, I don’t know, at least like a $25 Cold Stone Creamery gift card, I’d be all about this. And then if by some chance an honest lady like yourself made enemies they would become my enemies. And then, they would fear you.

Lisasera:   
Fine, my friend… Godfather [Lisasera rolls her eyes, Don Patrickoni offers his pinky ring to kiss.]

Lisasera: 
I’m not going to kiss your ring, you idiot. It’s plastic.

Don Patrickoni: 
Good. [Hand on shoulder] Some day and that day may never come; I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, consider this justice a gift.  Now if it isn’t too much trouble do you think John would drive me to Cold Stone?  A Cheesecake Dream, sounds just heavenly right about now.


While the intro was really exciting, ever since then it’s been pretty boring stuff. Mostly watching a video where a priest asks rhetorical questions of bouffanted 80’s-era parishioners, and then a volunteer couple prattled on about their absurdly named Asian children.  Also, Cal took a really loud dump during the questions section of the lesson, which was the purest magic, so I guess I won’t bump anyone off…

…this time.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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