Monday, November 21, 2011

About "A Bag of Dicks"

Evidently, there’s a new item on all of my friends Christmas list this holiday season.

A bag of dicks.

Yes, not a day goes by in which I am not instructed to by one of my friends to, “go suck a bag of dicks” or “eat a bag of dicks.”  Excuse me if this is apparent, but I have awful, awful friends.  However, I’m a pleaser so when I get requests such as this, I want to do whatever I can to at least entertain the directive and find some sort of compromise.

With that in mind, there are limits to the areas of my expertise, and as such I’d like to take a moment to help mitigate a few outstanding points that will help inform my future engagement or abstention from working with “a bag of dicks.”

How many dicks are in a bag?
I live in New York, and as we all know space is at a premium.  When you barely have enough room to hang up your clothes, wherever are you going to store a “bag of dicks” to have at the ready to perform various activities (i.e. sucking, eating, taking out to a nice dinner)?  If we’re talking, you know, like (10) or so average dicks that I can fit into a Bravo shopping bag, that’s probably going to be reasonable.  However, if you’re talking like porn star dicks or like a Santa-style satchel full of like (100) or so dicks, well, that’s just unreasonable –also, I have back issues.

What kind of dicks are they?
I may have gotten ahead of myself in my assumption that these are human dicks?  Are they? Because if not, I may have to decrease the number of dicks again.  I mean if we’re talking like donkey dicks or something a little more exotic, in that instance, I could probably only have (2 – 3) dicks in that bag –again working under the assumption these dicks could be contained in a reasonably-sized, traditional shopping bag.

Am I responsible for securing these dicks?
I don’t know, call me old fashioned but if I am given the responsibility of carrying out some verb in relation to a bag of dicks, I think the least the person making the request could do is provide me with the bag, including the required allotment of dicks, right?  If not, then I would kindly request the following reimbursement:

·      The cost to secure all requested quantities of dicks
·      The cost to secure requisite bag(s)
·      The costs for all taxes, shipping, tariffs and required customs considerations for transport of dicks (if necessary)
·      The rate of $25/hr. plus applicable payroll taxes (we’re in a recession, after all) for the necessary due diligence to secure the number of dicks required for requested activity.
·      Meals & incidentals during said diligence

Are they still connected to the thing that produced the “dicks”?  If so, do I have to carry them around in the bag?
Again, I don’t mean to be a pansy, but I do have a bad back and I need to work under the agreed consideration that the dicks will be removed and properly prepared.  I don’t mean to be a bad sport, but I just can’t carry all that weight around, even if they’re midgets / pygmies / little people or woodland creature dicks.

Do you have to carry out dick-related activity in one setting or can these undertakings take place over time?
As I’ve outlined in previous posts, I live an active lifestyle.  I can’t just carve out a whole day sittin’ around doing dick-related tasks for people.  I need to manage my time.  In keeping with this, I would kindly request that either:

A.     The amount of time requested to carry out this activity be kept to a minimum,
B.      I be allowed to do said activity over the course of a few weeks
C.      The number of per sitting dicks to be kept to a minimum.

Thanks in advance for providing me with some clarity on these points.  While I sincerely apologize for my phallic fetish focused friends, with the help of the entire GWGG community, you will provide me, and perhaps the entire world, with the specific necessities of this neologism.  In return, you will each be rewarded…

With a bag of dicks.


Anonymous said...

Interesting subject matter. :O For the record, little people have average size dicks. They are not proportionate to their wee figures. Wee figures!lol.

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