Sunday, October 09, 2011

The Lost Andy Rooney Sign Off

The last bastion grumpy old mandom has signed off.  At the ripe old age of 92, Mr. Andy Rooney gave his 1,097th commentary on why the internet sucks and how people should write more letters and his seemingly endless reserve of "I remember back during World War II when I was a reporter and personally kicked Hitler in the nuts" anecdotes.

You can find the full segment featured a week or two ago outlining his career here.

What was truly unfortunate is, despite the lovely send off and career retrospective, CBS edited down his remarks, not allowing Rooney the opportunity to enjoy his unfettered bully-pulpit one last time.  Luckily for you all, I have gotten my hands on the draft Andy was going to present as he says goodbye to the show he's worked on since the late 70's.  A draft which I will share with you now.


Have you ever noticed when people retire from a job that they've held for 20 or more years, they do this thing were they talk about how great their job was and how much they loved the people they worked with? My dad worked on the railroad, he got a watch when he retired. He gave that watch to me.  Once, when I was in Bangkok, I traded that watch to a masseuse for a handy. 

My work here -and I say work because I got a paycheck and that's how working works- was just fine.  I mean it could've been worse, I could have been a masseuse in Thailand rubbin' out an old fart like me. But I'd like to take a few moments and tell you what it was like to work with the "professionals" here at CBS:
  • Lesley Stahl - great in the sack
  • Scott Pelley - has no penis
  • Morley Safer - haaaates women, also never washes his hands after using the bathroom
  • Lara Logan - once told me I smell like a bag of salt & vinegar potato chips -I've never forgiven her for that, the bitch
  • And I guess there are other people who work here, but I haven't taken the time to learn their names because I'm old and they keep me locked in this room.
Maybe it's me, but I hate you all.

As I start to round out my final days, a lot of people ask me what I'm going to do with myself to keep busy.  The answer is simple, I'm going to be a judge on RuPaul's Drag Race.

Yes, I know many of you see me as a paragon of masculinity & virility, but when I caught a bit of the show once on an aeroplane, I knew I wanted in on the magic. There's something about watching these talented performers hide their sausages and shoot glitter from their assholes that I just had to be a part of.  Yes, this is a new Andy Rooney, shitbirds. My role, a new addition to the program, will involve me sitting in a chair in the center of the judging room, and from this vantage the contestants will sing to me, sit on my lap and twirl my hair in their fingers.  It is going to be a hoot.

So as I sign off, I just want to say, thanks for the memories, suckers.  Also, YOU BETTER WERK!!! [3 snaps in z-formation).


I did not see that coming.  In any event, happy travels to you, Andy.  I won't miss looking at that weird thing on your lip, however.


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