Friday, August 26, 2011

Safety First: What You Need To Know About Irene

Ruh roh, kids! A storm's a comin'!

Now while I have been the first to make jokes and have nicknames for all the members of my Monday morning looting party (Skipper, Spider & Samantha -we're not sexist, this is 2011), the fact remains we don't know what's gonna happen do we? No, we don't.  On Tuesday an earthquake, on Sunday a hurricane, what's next...?

Well, in preparation, WNYC put together this pretty fantastic interactive map that shows the zones the city has been broken into AND MORE IMPORTANTLY YOUR EVACUATION LOCATION (red dots).  I've given you the Greatness World Headquarters as a starting place, but you can find your own hovel by scrolling around. Don't bother going to the Mayor's Office or the sites as they've been bogged down and you'll spend all night refreshing only to download a shitty 2MB map that has no detail. I need details, man.

In addition to these items, the city (with some finessing from me) has suggested the following ways to prepare for the storm:

Stay indoors. If you go outside during a hurricane, then you are either impervious to pain like Anderson Cooper, or are an idiot. Let's hope you're neither and you just stay inside.

Avoid being near glass windows. For your own safety stay in rooms with no or few windows. Don't stand or congregate in a glassed-in vestibules or atriums. Chances are, if you have a glassed-in atrium you're on a private jet to Palm Springs, but if not, stay away from it, okay guys?

Fill your bathtub with water, just in case. I guess this way if the pipes burst you're covered and you'll have drinking water, but also after a stressful, traumatic experience like a hurricane, you may just want to have a good soak and let Calgon take you away...

Hang out with friends, relatives or prostitutes. No one wants to die alone, not even whores.

Stock up on booze (and essentials). I mean you're indoors, you may as well be drunk and full. Then just sleep it off until Monday when the news trucks arrive to record your horror at the devastation and you're given the opportunity to lament, "I never thought this could happen to me, not here," in a thick Southern drawl eliciting both pity and ridicule.

Know where your evacuation center is in the event you need to use it. All I'm saying is if my windows get blown out, the party will be relocated to the Newcomers High School on 29th Street & 41st Avenue. What! What!

Charge your electronics devices. ...lest ye be relegated to reading and unable to tweet.

Get renter's insurance in the next 10 minutes.

Buy condoms. If you're nestling in with a loved one or marooned with another equally lusty harlot, bring protection.  Don't let "a baby" be added below "water damage" on the list of things you will now have to pay for as a result of this weekend.

Have low-tack tape on-hand. If the wind is kicking up and your window start to look like saran wrap place tape on the panes of glass from edge to edge until it looks like you've turned your window into a really crappy Tiffany lamp.  It might not do any good but at least you'll feel like you're doing something, so you know, that's nice.

Inflate your Aerobed now. You can either use it for your impending sleepover or use it to search for survivors as you paddle down your new backyard water park. Double rainbow either way!

Have a "Go Bag" or you'll feel like a "D Bag".  You guys know what goes in these, but if you don't you can go here and fill it up with all the amenities your heart desires.  When the tide does come -and believe me you, it's comin' mister- hold your vittles high and pronounce yourself Lord of the Flies.

In closing, as Mayor Mike says, "We can joke about this on Monday morning, but until then this is a matter of life and death."  With that I raise a frothy glass of Wolaver Oatmeal Stout and proudly proclaim, "TO LIFE!"

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