Friday, August 26, 2011

Safety First: What You Need To Know About Irene

Ruh roh, kids! A storm's a comin'!

Now while I have been the first to make jokes and have nicknames for all the members of my Monday morning looting party (Skipper, Spider & Samantha -we're not sexist, this is 2011), the fact remains we don't know what's gonna happen do we? No, we don't.  On Tuesday an earthquake, on Sunday a hurricane, what's next...?

Well, in preparation, WNYC put together this pretty fantastic interactive map that shows the zones the city has been broken into AND MORE IMPORTANTLY YOUR EVACUATION LOCATION (red dots).  I've given you the Greatness World Headquarters as a starting place, but you can find your own hovel by scrolling around. Don't bother going to the Mayor's Office or the sites as they've been bogged down and you'll spend all night refreshing only to download a shitty 2MB map that has no detail. I need details, man.

In addition to these items, the city (with some finessing from me) has suggested the following ways to prepare for the storm:

Stay indoors. If you go outside during a hurricane, then you are either impervious to pain like Anderson Cooper, or are an idiot. Let's hope you're neither and you just stay inside.

Avoid being near glass windows. For your own safety stay in rooms with no or few windows. Don't stand or congregate in a glassed-in vestibules or atriums. Chances are, if you have a glassed-in atrium you're on a private jet to Palm Springs, but if not, stay away from it, okay guys?

Fill your bathtub with water, just in case. I guess this way if the pipes burst you're covered and you'll have drinking water, but also after a stressful, traumatic experience like a hurricane, you may just want to have a good soak and let Calgon take you away...

Hang out with friends, relatives or prostitutes. No one wants to die alone, not even whores.

Stock up on booze (and essentials). I mean you're indoors, you may as well be drunk and full. Then just sleep it off until Monday when the news trucks arrive to record your horror at the devastation and you're given the opportunity to lament, "I never thought this could happen to me, not here," in a thick Southern drawl eliciting both pity and ridicule.

Know where your evacuation center is in the event you need to use it. All I'm saying is if my windows get blown out, the party will be relocated to the Newcomers High School on 29th Street & 41st Avenue. What! What!

Charge your electronics devices. ...lest ye be relegated to reading and unable to tweet.

Get renter's insurance in the next 10 minutes.

Buy condoms. If you're nestling in with a loved one or marooned with another equally lusty harlot, bring protection.  Don't let "a baby" be added below "water damage" on the list of things you will now have to pay for as a result of this weekend.

Have low-tack tape on-hand. If the wind is kicking up and your window start to look like saran wrap place tape on the panes of glass from edge to edge until it looks like you've turned your window into a really crappy Tiffany lamp.  It might not do any good but at least you'll feel like you're doing something, so you know, that's nice.

Inflate your Aerobed now. You can either use it for your impending sleepover or use it to search for survivors as you paddle down your new backyard water park. Double rainbow either way!

Have a "Go Bag" or you'll feel like a "D Bag".  You guys know what goes in these, but if you don't you can go here and fill it up with all the amenities your heart desires.  When the tide does come -and believe me you, it's comin' mister- hold your vittles high and pronounce yourself Lord of the Flies.

In closing, as Mayor Mike says, "We can joke about this on Monday morning, but until then this is a matter of life and death."  With that I raise a frothy glass of Wolaver Oatmeal Stout and proudly proclaim, "TO LIFE!"

Monday, August 22, 2011

7 Life Lessons from the Poors

Living like a rich person? Easy. Awesome. Living like a poor person, now that takes some talent.

We're going down, sweet baby Jesus, we're going down.  If you've been watching the news, you know our economic future is bleak.  Get your money out of the bank, hide it in a mattress and start stockpiling cigarettes -much like prison, it will be the only thing worth dick following the Economic Apocalypse: 3D ("it's like the crippling poverty reached out of the screen and touched me!").

In the hopes of getting some inspiration to weather the storm I read just the most charming article by Barry Ritholtz in the Washington Post entitled, "7 life lessons from the very wealthy."  While Barry looks like he takes himself too seriously based on his headshot, the piece had some interesting insights into the views of the fantastically rich. He goes on to even give us a hint as to what is like to have fortunes in excess of nine and 10 figures. Which for all you dum-dums out there, he explains, "that’s hundreds of millions to billions of dollars."

As I read it, I was like that is easy. You want some real lessons, look to the "new poors".  They're like "new money" but with markedly worse boob jobs, and also they're poor. Sharpen your pencils, shirbirds. Here comes some learning.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Gumption Goes HGTV

Do you know these assholes?

Of course you do!  This is a picture of Robert and Cortney Novogratz, professional awful people.  These two jokers used to have a show on Bravo cringeably titled, 9 By Design. Not surprisingly, it was cancelled due to lack of watch-ability and the fact that they wear way too many scarves.

Now they're bringing their unique brand of Brooklynite name-drop-ridden tour de pretension to HGTV in a new program called, Home by Novogratz! The show does the same thing all those shows do: They take ugly peoples' homes and make them super nice -but this one adds aloofness and mind-numbing catchphrases like, "you've been Novogratzed!" These are the horrible people who's conversations you overhear at a restaurant and want to punch in the genitals.

As I watched this parade of the pompous, I couldn't help but think to myself, "I could totally do this.  I'm really good at life." And so I did.

Monday, August 08, 2011

5 Years of Gumption: The Wooden Anniversary

Traditionally, the gift you give someone celebrating their 5th Anniversary is wood.

As Greatness with Garrigan Gumption celebrates it's 5th Anniversary, I would like to thank you, my loyal readers, for giving me wood every single post.

It seems like just yesterday that I posted this picture of my dear pasty skin broiled by the unforgiving West Virginia sun in a feeble attempt to scream to the world, "I'm doing Beauty & the Beast, dammit," and in so doing validating my career as a performer.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane at some of the highlights of this lil' 'ol blog as I regale my ongoing pursuit of Greatness these five, grand years.


Related Posts with Thumbnails