Sunday, July 17, 2011

Ebay Ruined My Weekend

Living like a shut-in really isn't that bad. You know, once you've come to grips with the pungent odor of your own menk.

And thanks to Ebay, I have descended down the sad, dark free-fall of someone who has inventoried all their possessions and has them pre-packaged and "ready to ship!" at a moment's notice.

My tale, dear reader, relays that most timeless truth, the online garage sale is the slipperiest of slopes.

Like so many consumptive U.S. Americans, I've seen many of the commercials for Ebay and thought to myself.  I need a commercial agent.

But despite their gentle appeals to the theatre trash blood that pumps ferociously in my chest, I never thought that Ebay was for me.  For instance I don't live in Arkansas, I'm not morbidly obese (yet) and I have my dignity sense of irony.

As I spent this weekend re-watching Season 4 of Mad Men, I couldn't help but wonder into the inspiration for the opening sequence.  After a little sleuthing, and side visits I found the inspiration -and in other news, there aren't any Christina Hendricks sex tapes floating out there, you know, if you're into that sort of thing.  Through my light research I learned the work was inspired by the artist, Robert Longo and his Men in the Cities series.

Given my propensity for douchbaggery and the fact that it is a like totally known thing that everyone who is even remotely involved in the marketing and advertising industries think they're Don Draper. I HAD TO HAVE ONE OF THESE PIECES OF ART TO REPLACE THE TITANIC MOVIE POSTER WHICH CURRENTLY OCCUPIES SO MUCH SPACE ON MY BEDROOM WALLSCAPE.

The pursuit of these prints was exhausting friends and on more than one occassion, I had to stop searching and drink some water because I didn't want to get dehydrated.  It's summer time, y'all. The times when I could find these works of art, they were as much as $12,000!!! Well, that's a tad rich for Daddy.

Unrelenting, I carried on.

Then the day arose when I found myself uttering that most cringeworthy of expressions, "I found it at the Colony on Ebay." After several late night online bartering sessions, I closed the deal and now these two puppies -hand signed by the artist- are on their way to me.

So now I've got my art, I'm Don Draper and all is right with the world, yes?  No. This is actually where our story begins.  I purchased these works on Wednesday night, and since that time I have either researched or put bids in on the following. I CAN'T STOP. Read and weep.

An 8-Point Buck. Believe it or not, this seller lives in Louisiana.  But I don't know what I'm making fun of, I'm the asshole who put the bid in -and lost.

David Copperfield autographed picture.  I'm watching this one closely.  I still have 19 minutes to decide if I want to spend $50 on David Copperfield circa 1989 in some nondescript western mountain range.  But, really, can you put a price on that?  I guess you can, and that price is $50.

Obligatory thing signed by Bill Clinton. Why? Because I love Clinton.  Also, I think this was taken during Hilary's stop in Portsmouth, NH which I drug my parents to because Bill was going to be there. They hated it and my dad said, "some pushy liberal fanatic stepped on me and didn't say sorry," or something to that effect -it was very crowded and he was being old and cranky. So I guess, it's sentimental and stuff.  I'm sure as shit not going to spend $300 on this but you're welcome to get it for me as a belated birthday gift, if you're so inclined.
Why, you ask do I need a 6' neon pink mannequin.  Well, if you don't know now, then you'll never know, man.

And there you have it.  Yes, my prospects for socialization are sad and bleak, but I have a bid in for this so it should all work out fine.

PS - Best line: "...hawaiin [sic] mumu very pretty," yes, veeeerry pretty.

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