Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Calvin-ism: The Nephew

And God said, "give unto the yuppie couple, a healthy baby boy and because I love them; call him Calvin for I am God and I love Calvinism too because I'm good at picking out people I like."  God also loves run on sentences.

And it was so.

I was out on Sunday night, like a good American, raising numerous flagons of ale in celebration of our nation's independence from the British and dependence on the Chinese, when suddenly out of the blue  at 3 in the morning, this happened to me:

Or maybe not, I had consumed many flagons of ale, mind you. Wait, maybe that's not right...

Actually, no, what happened was John Richardson, husband to Cooking with Lisa's  own Lisa "Lise" Garrigan Richardson, texted me that Lise was having a baby that night!  I didn't even know she was preggers.  I really just thought she let herself go after getting married.

Knowing that the child was in need of immediate spiritual guidance, I stumbled home, placed a weeks worth of laundry into a steamer trunk I had standing by for such an impromptu occasion and hopped on a bus an hour later to Boston.

At 11am I arrived in Beantown, and what did I find but this lil' guy, Calvin David Richardson.

Predetermined by God for Greatness (See: very loose allusions to Calvinism, faux-witticism) or not, I wasted no time to help share guideposts with the young tike towards living a happy, successful life:

"Wear sunscreen. If I could offer only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. Oh, and make sure that it is applied to you by gorgeous, voluptuous women."

"Fear clowns. Like really, Cal, are you listening? They do not have your best interests in mind."

At this point Lise informed me that Calvin, a mere 7 hours old, was too young to learn about the terrors of terrifying, heartless clowns hellbent on terrorizing "children of all ages." Calvin was removed from my care.

Hurt, but undeterred I went to the waiting room and began texting him via a Fisher Price phone I purchased for him, Baby's First Cellphone.

Ultimately, Lise let me back into the room where I was able to impart a last little nugget. "Cal, be good to your parents. They are two of the smartest, most genuine and loving people I know.  They have worked very hard to make your life the best it can be, and all you have to do is be the best Calvin Richardson you can.  Works out pretty well for you, I'd say.  I look forward to watching you make the most of it, and watching them grow with you. Welcome to the world, fella. I'm excited to see the wonderful person you'll become.

Now get some rest, you'll need it. You're being circumcised tomorrow and that's going to suuuuuuuuck.

Love, Uncle Patrick"

The Family Richardson
Calvin, Lisa & John

Congratulations to Lise, and happy birthday John & Calvin.  A July 4th birthday couldn't have happened to two nicer guys.

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