Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Social Conservative's Guide to Gay Marriage-Related Anger Reallocation

Uh oh! Looks like we've got two "tops" here! To those reading this from the Heartland this is funny because this and the fact that this is a cake topper, you see? Word play! Neat.

Unless you've been living in the closet -more word play!- you know that last Friday, the New York State Assembly & Senate passed the law allowing same sex couples to get married!  Remarkable times we live in, friends.  Now as I see it, there are a lot of really positive developments for me personally.  Namely: My friends who have been in long-standing committed relationships will have the opportunity to take advantage of the rights that I enjoy; I will, no doubt, be invited to some obscenely lavish weddings wherein I will embrace my innner-schnurer to snag all the centerpieces my meaty arms can ensnare; and perhaps most importantly, I can finally return from a Facebook feed which demands that I call my state representatives immediately to a feed which features videos about curious animals and people falling off stages -just the way I like it.

As you look at this list you probably think to yourself, "Wow! This is fantastic! How could anyone not be excited about this?" Well, there are some folks who may not agree with you.


The Social Conservatives.  Given that in the state of New York, it seems they've lost this round, there's bound to be a lot of anger, a lot of resentment.  It's understandable.  Imagine if you exerted hundreds of hours and your family's Water World vacation money to take away rights from others, only to find yourself on the losing team.  By any measure, that's downright infuriating.

In an effort to help these folks transition out of the anti-gay marriage hand wringing, I've decided provide some options for new totes hate-able topics to help them occupy their time.  Some possible new things to hate might include the following:

Speed Bumps


People Who Wear Their Pants So Low They May As Well Have Them Around Their Ankles

Food that is Hard to Chew

That Show-Off Betty Jo Who Just Got A New Car Even Though Everyone Knows Her & Her Husband Filed for Bankruptcy

Sanjay Gupta

Balls that Land in Their Yard


Offspring Who Won't Take A Moment to Step Out of their Self-Absorbed Bubble to Give Their Parents a Call Every Now And Then


There you go!  Are you happy?  You know, angry-happy?  Well, good -I mean what is with that Gupta guy anyway?


Anonymous said...

Fortunately without the Republicans, this law would not have been possible.

In fact it is the first time in the nation that a legislative body controlled by Republicans approved either same-sex marriages or civil unions.

Greatness With Garrigan Gumption said...

Couldn't agree more! But "Republican" was never mentioned once in this post. It's very much the case that people like Roy McDonald ( http://www.nysenate.gov/senator/roy-j-mcdonald) helped to make this possible.


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