Sunday, June 05, 2011

The Palins Are Coming! The Palins Are Coming!

...but not necessarily to the White House.

My birthday may not be until Wednesday, but I got an early present from my favorite little spitfire Sarah Palin! Yes friends, America's Sexiest Maverick™has taken to the road with a big, stinking tour bus which, I hope, only gets 1/2 a mile to the gallon, because I get so hot when she says, "drill baby drill," -obvious allusions to offshore oiling drilling, sex.

While I was creating working titles for what I thought was going to be a big tour to kick off her presidential campaign (ie. "Money Shot: Coming from Sea to Sea"), she claims not so.  Recently she was said to have wistfully wondered aloud, "can't a woman just rent a $250,000 a week luxury tour bus and randomly travel around the country all willy nilly, telling the press you're going to go to Gettysburg to get all folksy -AND THEN NOT GO TO GETTYSBURG AT ALL!!!??? LULZVILLE!!!!"  She's so silly.

However, despite all the presidential speculation, it seems my 'lil dreamboat has another objective entirely in mind.

No politicking here, chums. Nope. Sarah has decided she's going to tour East Coast historical locations and learn the shit out of you for fun and profit.  Here in Boston's North End, Sarah puts on her cute professor hat (which is a metaphorical hat, and not an actual hat, okay guys???) and doesn't let our minds go to waste as she regales Paul Revere's fateful ride:

Oh sure, "historians" may tell you that there were no "warning shots" or "bells". That instead he used laterns.  The old "one [latern] if by land, two [lanterns] by sea" bit.  But could these not be "metaphorical" warning shots? Or "metaphorical" bells?  We have 5 senses, you know...

Then there are the alluring moments where she closes her eyes to picture the events unfolding in real-time. No really, that's what she was doing.  She wasn't taking this time to completely fabricate elements in the creation of our country.  She was LIVING them, patriotically.  She knows no other way.

Well, my little buttercup has the sweetest smile, but she caught a lot of flack from the LAMEstream* media (*hilarity copyright belongs to SarahPAC) because of their lack of creativity and literal interpretation of what is given as, like, a totally known thing, the dum-dums.  She was given the opportunity to answer her critics on Fox News -the only REAL news in America for patriotic, real American U.S. Americans, and by America we mean North America (natch), but not Canada or Mexico, those places suck.

So that settles it, you Gotcha-question-lovin' fucktards. Sarah Palin knows her history, now back the fuck off.

Still, one can't help but wonder if Paul Revere was all, "you're not taking our arms" to the British why they didn't just straight-up shoot him.  I'm sure that my dear Sarah will tackle these hard hitting questions in her follow-up tour, "Warning Shots" which will commence riiiiight

Paul Revere, who I believe Sarah said currently "lives in that area where 'The Departed' was filmed," could not be reached for comment.

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