Sunday, May 08, 2011

Kill / Capture / Comedy: An Osama bin Laden Movie Treatment

This is the picture of of Situation Room exceptionalism.

And faaaaaabulous headwear!

Unless you've been living in a cave -or a million dollar compound just outside the capital of Pakistan with no phone or internet service- then you've probably heard by now that Osama bin Laden was killed by Special Operations Forces raid early last Monday.

The details of the raid have been revealed in fits and spurts, and some of the specifics of the throughline have been called into question.  Luckily for you, I've tracked down some never before seen footage that details exactly how it all went down.

Osama Bin Laden- Family Guy
Tags: Osama Bin Laden- Family Guy

Now that we know how the whole thing shook out, there's only one question that remains. How long will it take for Ridley Scott to crank out a dick-flick recounting this epic tale? Probably (6) months or something.  I don't really know.  That Ridley Scott works on his own timeline, assholes.  He doesn't answer to you or anybody else -except maybe Her Majesty.

Knowing that I only have a few months before I am to be scooped, I hastily made my way to my computer and began tap, tap, tapping away.  After a few hours, I stopped tapping and began typing which I found far more productive.  In no time at all, I found that I had a pretty compelling movie treatment.  A treatment I would like to share with you.

Kill / Capture / Comedy: Osama's Final Days

Naturally, the movie begins with Sally Field looking brave in Iran.  Yes, I know that he was in Pakistan and not in Iran, but people like Sally Field, they really like her.  Also, the Middle East is horribly complex, so let's not squabble about geography, okay?  Where was I?  Oh yeah, Sally Field.

Well, anyway Sally Field ends up getting her daughter back from Alfred Molina and they head back to the U.S.  It really wasn't that big of an achievement.  I mean Alfred Molina had to get started on filming Spider-Man 2, so he was probably like, "whatever, now I don't have to hire a babysitter during the filming.  Child care is expensive, man," he might confide.

So moved by the experience, Sally Field joins the CIA, in the hopes that she can keep other wives from getting duped into going into Iran indefinitely.  She quickly rises through the ranks, given her steely glare and the fact that she has an Oscar -people really respond to that shit.

Then 9/11 happens.

Sally Field then redoubles her efforts and starts up a crack team, called the (Smart) Alec Station.  By some twist of fate, she ends up with Jackie Chan & Chris Tucker in her unit.

Oh sure their methods are unconventional, but the results are undeniably...funny. Or so the DVD/Blu Ray dust jacket shall read.  When the President takes a trip out to Langley, everyone knows something's afoot.

Dennis Haysbert will play the President because he was the best President on 24.  He is black, also.  This fits with my "ripped from the headlines" sense of realism that I'm going for.  As the President and his cadre of aides depart the CIA in a flurry, Sally Field appears at the door, her face as stoic as the Lincoln Memorial.  The following scene ensues:

As you may have guessed, Sally Field was the bald guy, Anthony Edwards will be played by Chris Tucker and Tom Cruise will be played by Jackie Chan.  Have you ever noticed how similar their grins are?  Yeah, me too.  Also, instead of saying they're going to Top Gun, bald guy / Sally Field says, "you two characters are going to kill Osama bin Laden."  She then says, something along the lines of, you two aren't the best we have, but you're our only hope. Don't make me sorry I sent you.  Oh, and gentlemen... kill him with some extra death for me, okay? They nod and Chris Tucker says some sort of catch phrase.

Meanwhile, back in Pakistan

Osama bin Laden is seen furiously masturbating to videos of himself making speeches on Al Jazeera.  Occassionally, he takes a moment to stop and watch his favorite music videos and forces everyone to make him do the Kid 'N Play with him.  For fear of death and/or poverty, they shamefully comply.

To further raise the stakes, while Jackie & Chris prepare for their mission, a CIA contractor gets arrested in Pakistan for spying and then shooting some dudes on the street because there was nothing on TV.  Sally Field returns to Messrs. Chan & Tucker, her face unable to show emotion due to Botox-induced facial paralysis, and tells then their mission is to move forward, tomorrow.  While Chris Tucker tries to tell her they're not ready.  Jackie's all, "we been ready for week."

As they make their way to the launch pad they're met by a grizzled Special Ops commando, played by Sam Elliott.

He informs them that this mission is going to be dangerous, and there's no room for the antics they've become infamous for.  Oozing with cowboy bravado, he declares that when they regroup at 0-300 hours it will be Coors Time.  Jackie will be all, "you mean Miller Time?"  Sam Elliot will then recite the following:

Chris Tucker will say another catch phrase.  They hop into the helicopter.

As they wind their way through the rocky terrain of Afghanistan and Waziristan, the pilot, a Texan aptly named "Tex" talks about how sleepy he is from doing a "shit ton of hops, y'all."  As they make their way to the bin Laden compound, Tex falls asleep and Jackie is forced to hop into the pilot seat where he enters into some really beautiful stunt work that ultimately has him driving the copter with his feet -is there anything that man can't do???

They make the landing, but barely.  The tail of the helicopter is ruined.  Tex is dead, because he was a jerk who should have taken a nap before the operation, but his formulaic demise serves as an allusion to our overstretched military, you see.

Knowing the helo is unsalvageable, the Special Ops guys work to figure out how to blow up the helicopter so the sensitive technology doesn't end up on the hands of the Pakistanis and ultimately, the Chinese.   As they do, theme music kicks in and Jackie Chan & Chris Tucker spring into action all Jason Bourne-style, storming the building themselves.

The 20-minute action sequence culminates with killing bin Laden who was armed, unarmed, using a woman as a shield, not using a woman as a shield, resisting, non-compliant or what-have-you depending on which alternative ending you watch (available on DVD only).  After shooting him, Jackie Chan lays down next to the body and asks if he's the right height.  Chris Tucker cracks a joke about Chan being like a crazy midget or something. We laugh, you know, to ease the tension.

They then grab bin Laden, Chan on his arms, Tucker his legs and they launch into a hysterical bit of physical comedy that would have made Laurel & Hardy proud, knocking bin Laden's head into door frames and ultimately racking him on a pole.  The crowd roars at this bit of Weekend at Bernie's hilarity.

As they make their way back to the helicopter, Sam Elliott says that he misjudged them, takes a swig of Coors, and mugs for the camera with a sly smile in a brazen display of product placement.

We cut to Sally Field who has been watching the action in a bunker.  While a blurry crowd of nondescript CIA case officers celebrate, she nods, smiles and sheds a single tear, for she's an actress and that's what they do.

By this point, we've learned that sometimes we all misjudge people because they have different, but perhaps ultimately effective ways of doing things.  As this realization sinks in they hop into the helicopter and "Extreme Ways" begins playing:

Chris Tucker says catch phrase.  We are satiated. Cue closing credits.

And there you have it.  Someone get me William Morris on the line.  This shit's going to sell like hot cakes!  Lifetime, I'm looking at you...

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