Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Lost Stieg Larsson

Think you've devoured all the Stieg Larsson books your grubby little hands can get themselves on?  Maybe not.  Either way, wash your hands you nasty, nasty ho.

How could there possibly be more books, you ask?  Well, I'll tell you right after the jump.

Part of the reason you haven't read these unpublished works is because you were looking for the wrong author!  Mr. Larsson's real name is Karl Stig-Erland Larsson, but that is just too, too long to put on a dust jacket, what with all those vowels and hyphenates, you see.

Luckily for you all, I'm hip to 'ol Stigs tricks and armed with this information, I've used my unique brand of sleuthery and total fabrication to provide you with a GWGG exclusive, a host lost Larsson manuscripts penned  and undiscovered until now, written using his real name, "Hot" Karl Stig-Erland Larsson.

Due to my ongoing, heated negotiations with Random House, unfortunately all I can share with you at this point are the manuscript titles.  It is my hope that after sharing this information, your appetites for the new tomes will be so insatiable that public outcry will be such that Random House will finally come to their senses and provide me with the $7,500,000 I feel I so rightly deserve.

But enough about me, let's talk about Stiegs, baby, let's talk about you and me, let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be.  Let's talk about Stiegs.  Let's. Talk. About. Stiegs.

The Lost Stieg Larsson Manuscripts
  • The Girl Who Can't Decide If Sitting in the Front Seat is Better Than Sitting in the Back Seat, But Either Way, Likes to Have,  'Fun, Fun, Fun'
  • The Girl Who's Career Goals Don't Exactly Match Her Potential and/or Degree of Attractiveness
  • The Girl Who Likes Obscure Bands
  • The Girl Who Played With Fire Using Flame Retardant Gloves While Following Basic Fire Safety Protocols (ORIGINAL DRAFT)
  • The Girl With the Classy Tramp Stamp 
  • The Girl Who NEVER Takes A Shower After Yoga
  • The Girl Who Does P90X One Time And Suddenly Thinks She's Jackie-Fucking-Chan
  • The Girl Who Will Buy This Book For Book Club, But Will Just End Up Reading a Summary in the Times & When Called Out for Not Ever Having a Single Original Thought Will Still Congratulate Herself on Being "Fluent in the Book Review"
  • The Girl With the Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) That Is Hell-Bent On Bringing You Down With Her
  • The Girl Who Flossed At Dinner
  • The Girl Who Just Has to Talk About What Happened on American Idol Even Though You Stopped Watching That Show 10 Years Ago
  • The Girl With The Blind Hairstylist
  • The Girl Who Wonders If It Would Kill You To Tell Her She Looks Pretty Every Now & Then
  • The Girl Who Fell Down Some Stairs, Honest
  • The Girl With Insurmountable Student Loan Debt
  • The Girl With The Cat Litter in Her Bath Tub (is A Relationship You Need to Run Away From): Stiegs Guide to Dating An Independent Woman
  • The Girl Who Really Let Herself Go After High School

And this is just the tip of the iceberg.  All I'm saying is if you have a cool $7.5M I can fill your book shelves with some serious fucking mysteries, man.  My agents are standing by.  Your move, millionaires.

1 comment:

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