Sunday, February 27, 2011

Premonition: Oscars 2011

Ladies and da gentlemen-a, Patrick-ah 'eah to provide you wit da correct ansahs to who ees goin' to win da 2011 Oscahs.  You want do know? Calll me!

Tonight is the OSCARS! That's right, just like the Grammys are music's biggest night, the Tony's are Broadway's biggest night and the Marion, Ohio Midnight Beaver Chase & Beard Trim are my biggest night.  Tonight movies, that under-appreciated, oft-overlooked craft takes center stage for one night only!

Given this industry's relatively low profile the rest of the the other 355 days a year, there's a lot of interest and speculation as to exactly who's going to win the illustrious Golden Kojak.  Last night as I slept snugly in my bed visions of really attractive people safely cordoned off from the poors danced in my head.  Visions that have manifest themselves as premonitions, yes, a vision of who will win tonight's Academy Awards.

Premonition: A GWGG 2011 Oscar Exclusive

Let's be honest, no one watches the Oscars to hear who won best cinematography.  Oh, sure we all know that's the guy who points the camera around and makes the pictures pretty to look at, but who do they make sexytime with?  At best it's their wife and that's not very interesting, at worst its no one which is downright depressing.   You can't take a picture of the best cinematographer with no one, that's hardly a picture at all -especially when these dudes usually aren't that attractive in the first place.

My Jungian dreams-cycle knew this which is why my premonition didn't include costumes or sounds or scenic design because we only use those categories to win the pool any way. No, tonight I'm only including the biggies: Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress & Best Director. And the nominees are...

Best Actress in a Leading Role:
  • Annette Bening
  • Nicole Kidman
  • Jennifer Lawrence
  • Natalie Portman
  • Michelle Williams
WINNER: Natalie Portman for best exemplifying the ideal that nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels.  Some may say the film was about confronting your demons in the pursuit of becoming the best in your discipline.  Me? I saw it as an anti-obesity cautionary tale.  I mean if she were obese, then she could have never have been in a world class ballet company, visited the Golden Arches with Mila Kunis, and she sure as shit couldn't have sprouted wings and believed she could fly.  For that and my love of hot girl on bird action, she is the 2011 Oscar-ich.

Actor in a Leading Role:
  • Javier Bardem
  • Jeff Bridges
  • Jesse Eisenberg
  • Colin Firth
  • James Franco
WINNER: Michael Cera for re-inventing himself.  I know after the successes of cult comedy blockbusters like "Superbad" and "Arrested Development" it can be very difficult to be taken seriously in Hollywood -even if it is only visa vis Aaron Sorkin's / "Gilmore Girls" school of if you say the lines fast stupid people will thing this sappy drivel is clever.  These are the hurdles that Mr. Cera tackled and Mr. Cera emerged victorious as Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg and for that-- What? It was Jesse Eisenberg? The guy from "Zombieland"?  They cast that guy? Fuck, just give it to Jeff Bridges then, he had an eyepatch.

  • The Guy Who Directed Black Swan
  • The Guy Who Directed The Fighter
  • The Guy Who Directed The King's Speech
  • The Guy Who Directed The Social Network
  • The Guy Who Directed True Grit
WINNER: The Guy Who Directed The Fighter for making a movie that takes place in Boston.  If there's one thing America, and by proxy the Academy, loves it is movies about Boston.  Those accents, those smart people in dumb jobs, oh and fighting too????! I think I just filled my pants with CHOWDAH!  In his acceptance speech I can only hope that he thanks Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, "The Departed," and this years unspoken hero, "The Town" for also being from Boston.  It is only through the continued peripheral contributions of this burg, their accents and preference for white-on-white crime that we can have good movies that don't take place in New York or LA.  
Best Picture:
  • Black Swan
  • The Fighter
  • Inception
  • The Kids Are All Right
  • The King's Speech
  • 127 Hours
  • The Social Network
  • Toy Story 3
  • True Grit
  • Winter's Bone
WINNER: Winter's Bone.  Sometimes its hard to want to bone in the winter.  Oh, sure in the busty, lusty months of May - August everyone is ready for a good time.  This movie proved that not only can one, two or more bone during this time, but it can be fun and profitable! Nothing says let's get it on in the winter than the kind of bounce a movie can get when you add "Academy Award" winner to that DVD jacket! Then again, it may be "Toy Story 3" for the same reasons.

There you have it!  Don't forget, I get 20% of all profits gained from this premonition.  By Monday morning, I want to be saying:

Happy watching!


Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...


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