Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Behold the NINJA!

Behold the NINJA!  Lethal assassin.  Master of deception & disguise. Ambassadors of slimming haberdashery.  And now you too can be a NINJA!  Not in a, "holy shit, I suddenly have super-human martial arts skills and panache" but more in a "look how stealthily I am able to extricate myself from uncomfortable, boring or straight up painful situations!" Yes, this is the new NINJA and it's time for you to join the dojo!

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever wanted to leave a social setting but just couldn't muster the energy to say goodbye?  Do you not always enjoy the company of others? Do you sometimes want to just leave an outing so you can go home to read the Hunger Games trilogy while inhaling a quart of Cherry Garcia using a straw you made out of a 1/2" piece of PVC piping? Well then, NINJA'ing might be right for you!

You've got questions? We've got answers:

What is a NINJA? NINJA's are the savviest of all party goers!  NINJA's arrive with style and theatricality, enjoy their evening, and then with the adroitness of a poison-tipped blowdart covertly disappear into the night with a smirk on their face and a belch on their breath -a sure indicator of someone who will more than likely throw up when they get home.                                

What skills does the
NINJA have? The NINJA shows true enlightenment at times.  Consumed (8) beers and a body shot off a lady who smells of cigarettes and broken dreams?  The NINJA shows no fear and retains control.  The NINJA has the skills to "take a phone call" that may or may not end up with the NINJA hopping in a cab on their way home before the self-loathing sets in.  Who's to say that this is how the NINJA did it? Only the NINJA knows for sure, but he ain't talking.  The NINJA also can see the future.  Just kidding, he can't see the future -that's absurd.  Grow up.

When can I use my NINJA skills? The NINJA's deceptive departure tactics have a host of practical applications. Imagine yourself using your new-found skills to get the hell out of any of the following:
  • Sales meetings
  • Significant others' friend's birthday parties
  • Visits with the elderly
  • Parent / teacher conferences
  • Audits
  • The holidays
  • Game night
  • Congressional hearings
  • Open mics
  • Anytime you're in the same place as Kim Kardashian
  • Graduations
  • Dance recitals
  • Scientology meet-ups
  • That time you found out that cute girl was actually a crack whore and her pimp-dealer was outside waiting to sell you ass/drugs and/or mug you

Is being a NINJA right for me? Unless you're the asshole who's making everyone's lives miserable in any given moment - PROBABLY!



Hector said...

Not to mention, the all powerful Poop Ninja!

Anonymous said...

think you mean "a" body shot. Crack whore reference very funny.


Related Posts with Thumbnails