Sunday, December 05, 2010

What is Santa Thinking?


We are now fully in the throes of Holiday Magic, and ain't it grand.  I know that during this time I'm always filled with cheer, goodwill to men, and usually about (3 - 4) corndogs at any given time.  That said, when I take the time to examine our holiday traditions a little closer, I find I'm actually filled with something else... questions.

Santa, for instance, has always been a puzzlement to me.  This man spends (10) months making toys, roughly (1) month hanging around in stores, and then (1) month vacationing in Florida (I think) with all the other old people.  So naturally, I had some questions about the real purposes of this tradition. Questions I wanted to take to the source.

Unfortunately for me, Santa was not available for comment.  But this guy was.  Who is this guy? Well, his name is Danny Gardner and he's not Santa, but he plays Santa at a high-traffic location somewhere in New York City.

Fortunately for all of us, I was able to get a few minutes with this pseudo-Santa and answer that burning question that had been tormenting me:

What goes through your mind while playing Santa?

His response may surprise you.  So with out any further adieu, I present Santa Danny's thoughts.

Santa Danny:

"I've long had the suspicion that Santa Claus and Hitler are really one in the same person.  Being that I have now walked around in public as Santa Claus, I've decided to create a list comparing the similarities of dressing like Santa and dressing like Hitler in public.  As I see it, there are many more similarities than there are differences."
He then proceeded to lay out his case as to the similarities followed immediately by the differences, which I present to you now.

The similarities between dressing up as Santa Claus and dressing up like Hitler in a public place: 
1. You are immediately recognizable.
2. People immediately have a strong emotional response to you.
3. People know your name.
4. People know where you are from.
5. People know what you do.
6. The mustache is itchy.
7. You get yelled at on the street.
8. Children are scared of you.
9. If you tap dance in the costume, it makes people happy, even if they are scared of you.
10. You are both associated with a list.
11. People ask you for things. For instance: "Santa, I want an x-box!" or "Hitler, go fuck yourself!"
12. You can surprise people when you sneak up behind them.
13. It's funny to use a cell phone in costume.
14. It's hard to simply read a book in a public place. 
15. You stop traffic.
16. Both costumes are odd to have sex in.
17. People know you're not Jewish.
The differences between dressing up as Santa Claus versus dressing up as Hitler in a public place:
1. You don't get free stuff when you are Hitler.
2. People yell, "Ho, Ho, Ho" instead of "Fuck You!"
3. It's hard to get served at a bar as Hitler.
4. Your girlfriend will be seen with you as Santa.
5. People don't punch Santa Claus.
6. Hot girls don't like Hitler.
So just you think of that the next time you sit on that fat bastard's lap.

Editorial: I want to extend my thanks to Danny Gardner for his contribution of holiday thoughts with GWGG this week. Danny is a co-producer of "Hello Monkey Productions", a company member of the physical comedy theatre troupe "Parallel Exit" and would like Santa to bring him a Broadway contract for Christmas. Check out more information at

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