Tuesday, November 30, 2010

"The Body Beautiful," An Edutainment with Mark Fisher

Who is this man?

Why is he wearing that silly Aladdin wig? Oh, and why am I all fat and stuff? Your answers to these gripping questions and more after the jump.

We're full on into the holidays which means we can all look at ourselves with disappointment and lament the way we've truly let ourselves go.  Did you ever say to yourself, "man I wish I had a cost-effective way to get in shape while having just the most lovely time along the way! And I also wish I had the ability to 'hover'.  You know, like a quality out of body experience hover." Luckily for you I can help you with the first part of that equation!

Allow me to introduce Mr. Mark Fisher.  You see, Mark is a National Academy of Sports Medicine Certified Personal Trainer who specializes in making clients healthy and hot (or so Wikileak's Julian Assange would have us believe).  One day Mark and I were chatting, and he said to me, "what if we combined your propensity for hilarity and my ability to use repetitive activities to make people fuckable? You would be like a gayer Robin to my Batman." 

The result of this meeting of the minds is The Body Beautiful, my contribution to Mark's stellar newsletter (which you can subscribe to by clicking here). And it just so happens I have my most recent Thanksgiving post for  Mark's dispatch right here!

The Body Beautiful
by Patrick Garrigan

Yo, ho ho! Patrick here. Resident Hot Dude here to remind you: You’re hot. Just touch yourself.  No really, you’re like 98.6 degrees –which is .6 degrees hotter than 98 Degrees. Sizzle!

It seems the holidays have reared their swollen heads once again to remind you if you don’t start working out, you’re going to die alone. With cats. Luckily for everyone, the holidays are a perfect time to get in shape, or if you’re already in shape, to further perpetuate your in-shape-i-ness. For the latter, Christmas came early this year courtesy of the Transportation Safety Administration.

Tomorrow is slated to be the busiest travel day of the year and the good ‘ol TSA has just instituted a new security regimen of body scanners and invasive pat downs. As I write this -while doing curls, eating the Mark Fisher Nutrition Gels and packing for my Thanksgiving travels to Colorado for big game hunting- I am positively filled with glee over my impending security “date.”

Now, don’t give me your “this will hold up the security lines for hours” or your “oh, my personal liberties” or your “I just had a Venti coffee, don’t press there;” this is great news everyone. These new security implements give you (2) opportunities to share the splendor of your physique with others.
Say you opt for the scanners, you win. Victory comes in the form of seeing every gorgeous sinew of your finely tuned shape as reflected back at you by throwing an un-Godly amount of radiation at your body. These images, easily available as wallet-sized or 8x10 prints in the airport gift shop, make great stocking stuffers and last minute holiday cards.

Say you opt for the pat down, you win and they win. For in this instance, you are able to take pleasure in sharing the gift of your washboard abs with a poor civil servant who’s spent his or her day touching old people. Not to mention, free backhanded rub down, and we all know how nice that can be on a long, stressful travel day.

As for me, I’m opting for both. So this holiday travel season give the TSA something they can be thankful for. You.

Patrick Garrigan is hot. He is also a blogger at www.greatness-with-gumption.blogspot.com, co-author of “Guerrilla Marketing for Dummies,” and when the mood strikes him, an editor with www.TheaterOnline.com.  Patronize these things, his ego is very fragile.
That was just delightful.  If you'd like to learn more about me and maybe fitness or something, you should  subscribe to that puppy, give Mark a holler and for the love of G-d (it is Hanukkah afterall), do a push-up.

SPECIAL DEAL: Mention my name and he'll have you do (4) extra squat thrusts -ABSOLUTELY FREE!  Good through December ONLY.

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