Monday, December 20, 2010

Best Christmas Presents I Never Got

What am I going to get this Christmas?




Well, if it's anything like all the other Christmases, it's a beautifully wrapped box of disappointment.

This coming Saturday is Christmas and I am excited to carry out the annual traditions of performing my impression of Michael Crawford doing an impression of Michael Crawford singing "O Holy Night" while wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask at the old folks home, followed immediately by making a vision board which illustrates with painful salience all the things I failed to achieve this year.  Then I round out the evening by writing strongly-worded letters to everyone who never complimented my hair.  Man, I love traditions.


I'll you one thing I'm not excited about, and that thing is...

THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT(S)



For as long as I can remember, I have made my most humble requests for holiday gifts to my parents and loved ones only to have my requests flatly ignored.  Yes, I've brought these issues up with them and with my therapist, Godfrey, and everyone has the same response, "Patrick, you set your expectations just too high."

Did Kennedy say, "we will put a man on the moon.... right after we finish making the donuts," (it was time)? No.  Did Reagan say, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall... after you get out of your dermatologist appointment, if and only if you're not too tired?" No!  They demanded action through a little elbow grease and a whole lotta math and science and stuff.  I expect the same level of virtuosity when it comes to the gifts I receive from others on Christmas.

Who knows, maybe they're right.  Maybe I demand too much Greatness. To settle this once and for all, I put the question to you, my readership.  Patrick's Unfulfilled Christmas Requests: Unreasonable or Undeniably Necessary? I report, you decide -or you can always just go back to looking at Facebook- no real deciding is necessary if you don't want to.


A Wishlist Unfulfilled


1979 - For Jimmy Carter to get those dag nab hostages released.
1980 - The ability to stop shitting myself.
1981 - Just a place where I can go to be by myself without having to be "on" or "cute." I swear sometimes, it's all just too much.
1982 - E.T. to dress up as a woman and perform all the female roles in the Shakespearean tragedies.
1983 -Guns. A stockpile of shiny, heavier-than-they-look-on-TV-guns.
1984 -The gift of flight.
1985 - To cure world hunger - PSYCH! I want a Teddy Ruxpin.
1986 - To have certain people to overlook the fact I couldn't / can't tie a bowline knot and just make me a fucking Webelo, the judgmental pricks.  How is a bowline even useful?  It's not. Stupid, useless knot. Jerks.
1987 - To land the leading role in the (never released) Top Gun 2: Maverick's Maverickery
1988 - A Seadoo and a timeshare in Tijuana.
1989 - The heads of both Milli & Vanilli on a platter
1990 - Purple shirts
1991 - Purple shirts
1992 - Purple shirts
1993 - Some form of written documentation from the state of West Virginia that proves once and for all that my real name was in fact, "Faggot."
1994 - Two words: Hot tub.
1995 - The ability to really get those G's to really ring out during my first big song as the irrepressible Bobby Child in River Valley High School's critically acclaimed production of Crazy for You.  Sure, it was stirring, but I was always reaching for spellbinding.
1996 - Any athletic prowess whatsoever. Really anything.  I'll even take curling, so totally not picky.
1997 - The opportunity to take Vitamin C to prom where she'd sing, "Friends Forever" and all the hot chicks would be all, "hey, thanks for bringing Viamin C to prom, that song is ah-ma-ZING!" and then I would get lots of action because lets be honest, I didn't really want to hook up with Vitamin C.  That hair looks like a rotten orange.
1998 -The legal right to breast feed again, using breasts of my choosing.
1999 - A way to evade the hook wielding mad man who knows what I did last summer.
2000 - A weed-peddling helper monkey
2001 - The opportunity to ask someone at the other end of an impossibly long table to pass the salt. Oh, the hilarity.
2002 - Finally mount my musical, Don't Call Me Pat, on Broadway where it belongs.
2003 -A Cinnabon franchise in Biloxi, Mississippi
2004 - Number 5 from Short Circuit.
2005 - My very own hurricane. (on second thought, nevermind.)
2006 - Hope.
2007 - A Black Audi A8 complete with driver and butt massaging seats.
2008 - To co-host a show on HSN with Glen Beck where every day we dress up as our favorite Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters (the TV series, not the movie, obvi.) and sell knives & sex appeal to neglected housewives.
2009 - My own doorman apartment (in a tony neighborhood away from both the poors and the olds).
2010 - Political office.  Doesn't even have to be something amazingly powerful.  Just something that has regular hours, dental and minimal ethics oversight.

Well, what do you think?  Yeah, I thought so.  Let's put a little effort in this year, okay?

MERRY CHRISTMAS, GEORGE BAILEY!

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