Sunday, November 21, 2010

Hey, Airline Travel! Let's Make A Deal!

Tomorrow evening I'm headed off to my Colorado Western Retreat.  In preparation, I have got to tell you, I'm am absolutely thrilled about the new TSA screening process. I cannot wait to put all my belongings into a plastic bin, take off my shoes all sexy like, whip out my...

BOOMBOX and play this song!

The moment we've been dreading since we were little children has arrived.  Across this most majestic countryside death scanners of deadery, will spray us with radiation juice which will in turn expose our funbags, franks and berries to the world in the form of splotchy black photos.  These images will then be stored in a Socialist Funbag/Franks/Berries Computer Server which will only be visible to members of the World Bank, The Liberal Elites, Dancing with the Stars Judges and the Editorial Board of OK Magazine. Shortly thereafter, we will be living under sharia law and the terrorists will have won.  It is written.  No, really it is.  I just wrote it.

If you don't like this option just step right over here where TSA employees are super excited to touch you in your skin folds, with only your crusty sweatpants and surgical gloves providing the illusion of sanitary conditions to this poor fellow American forced to routinely touch you. Eeeeeeveryone's uncomfortable.

So now, no one is happy, and now we are contractually obligated (See: Newt Gingrich Contract With America Subsection 4, right under "Americans deserve a hearty ham salad sandwich after 4 consecutive hours of work...") to send around emails with THE CAPS LOCK ON!!!!!!!!! And too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!! and maybe even a few of these :(

I say, Let's Make A Deal

The issue is this: We all really like our privacy and dignity when we fly, but you know what else we like? Not getting 'sploded when I fly.  So to the Liberal Media Elites out there and to all the Conservative Conspiracy Theorists out there who say our civil liberties are being strategically taken away from us, I offer you a simple question.  Do you have a better idea?

After the foiled Christmas Day underwear bomber everyone went bonkers over the fact that the Justice Department read the guy his Miranda Rights.  Really? Miranda Rights are the order of the day, pals?  Let's start with fact that this guy had a bomb in his underwear and nobody caught it until he just about got finished setting his wiener on fire.

Here's what I would offer, my deal, if you will.  If you don't have a better idea, let's try these things.  If you don't like them, then drive or take a train or maybe even enjoy a relaxing cruise to your destination. The compromise is, if these new measures don't work, let's not do them anymore and we'll never speak of this again.  How does that sound?

Now if you'll excuse me, it's my turn for a rub down.

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