Sunday, October 10, 2010

Tips for Trips: Middle East Edition

You know what the world needs now? Just a little touch of Greatness.

Well hello young kiddies!  Over the past few weeks, it may have seemed to some that my posts may have been a tad spartan and half-assed.  Well, not to me.  I only see happy literary accidents.  Bob Ross taught me this I think it is disrespectful to disagree with the deceased because they lack the ability to rebut your comments, you insensitive prick.

In any event, if you are one of a handful of readers devout Greatness Enthusiasts who felt a little ill-attended, I assure you there's been a reason for my perceived distraction. You see a few weeks ago I was watching Dancing with the Jersey Shore Plus Eight full of Glee, and I was eating a Hungry Man™ TV dinner. 

Well, at one point during the program I was readjusting the 8 goosedown pillows I typically sit upon while watching said program and the cranberry sauce covered brownie -the piece de resistance of the Hungry Man™ feast- toppled out of my non-biodegradable Man Tray™ and landed on my remote control.  As I leaned forward to pick it up the unusual center of gravity created by my Man Belly™ toppled me over in the most embarrassing display of gluttony-fueled slapstick ever seen by my step-dog, Bailey.

In the tussle, the teevee landed on CNN which evidently has stories about places that are not Midtown.  Throughout the stories, they showed pictures and even some videos of this place called the Middle East.  Upon review, I found that these places looked most interesting, but were lacking one major thing: Greatness.  At this, I took it upon myself to go to this far away land to share the Gospel of Greatness, the Exuberance of Exceptionism, the Tingle In Your Dingle.  One of these phrases are not correct but it has nothing to do with the story at hand, so just focus and stay with me here, okay?

With catch phrases and mission statement both on 14lbs. parchment paper, I ventured off to the Middle East (or M.E. or Middy E, for short) and, well, not to brag, but my reception was INCREDIBLE.  Now, I'm not going to bore you with the specifics of my journey, for they involve far too much specificity.  Rather, I'd like to impart to you some lessons, lesson that could prove helpful to you has to you seek to spread crabs whatever it is that you share. With that please find the following helpful hints for you, the intrepid traveler.

Looking Like An Asshole

When traveling never forget that you are an American.  As you make your way around the globe, you'll be trying lots of foreign foods, but remember at the end of the day, you're still going to be coming home to the same old pork & beans that replaced mother's milk two days after you were born.  As such, don't adapt to local customs.  If the order of the day is muted earth tones try something a little more colorful, perhaps a tasteful magenta?  Also, it will be sunny if you're going to a hot place or traveling during the summer, why not try sequins?  Nothing says God Bless the USA quite like small multicolored metalic discs adhered to low-cost polyester.  Also, if there are animals be sure to mount them and take a lot of pictures while re-enacting scenes from Gone with the Wind.  Don't ask why, just do it. 

Challenge Others

While globetrotting, people may challenge your beliefs.  I say, challenge them right back.  For instance, while in Jerusalem this fellow said that worshipping at the alter of Cinnabon was sacrilegious so I challenged him to a duel and stabbed him in the neck with a kebob skewer.  USA - 1, Cinnabon Naysayer - 0.

Now is the Best Time To Buy

Do you dream of becoming a homeowner? Sure you do. Right after you're done dreaming about Megan Fox. Do I have good news for you! Property is even cheaper abroad.  Like here, I bought this place in Petra, cutely named, "The Monastery" by the locals because the previous owner couldn't get any action for no money down!!!  Oh sure, maybe it's a fixer-upper and the wiring is total shite, but this is a long term investment, man.  There are some rocks and squatters around too, but I think once I get the zoning approved (fingers crossed) I'm going to build some really kick ass condos.

Always Befriend the British

If the British are good at one thing, it is owning stuff.  'Tis true the sun now sets upon the British Empire, but for some time this wasn't so. And sure, maybe nowadays the British currently lack ambition and basic oral hygiene, but if you ask me they're really just one good conference call away from taking it all back.  Much in the same way a Spice Girls reunion tour is negotiated.  With this in mind, I say keep these little stinkers close.  Befriend one and who knows maybe you could be a Duke or Archduke or Marmaduke or some shit and that's certainly better than manning the buffet at Pizza Hut, isn't it?

So there you have it, traveling companions.  It is my hope that after this tutorial, you will be a land owning asshole with a British accent, which is kind of redundant when you think about it.  Again, my apologies for the perceived bloggy neglect.  I am happy to make up for it by spending some time spooning with you.  That's right, right here in my crook. Shhhhhh....

1 comment:

rdsmgb said...

Yay, Bailey!!!

Oh and that other stuff was cool too.


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