Monday, October 25, 2010

Beauty in the Bottle: Why Dove Can Kiss My Ass

Oh my good Lawdy, Dove can kiss my ever lovin' ass.

When you look at this collection of ladies, what do you see?  Well, if you're me -and you're not, remember- you see a horribly tacky upper thigh tattoo and some girls who, if given the opportunity, you would probably engage in some seriously naughty "range rovin'", but who probably wouldn't crack Maxim's Hot 100.  Good news ladies, that's OKAY! My beef with you is not that I can't bounce a quarter off your ass.  I don't want to do that.  It is a weird expression and just an odd activity that I have no desire to take part in.  No, my problem is that you buy into this woe-is-me-I-am-a-victim-of-the-fashion-industry horseshit.  I love you just the way you are.  So grab a chicken wing and bring you, your curvy figure and your suceptablility to overly precious marketing messages and join me after the jump.

If there is one thing I can't stand it is self-righteous hypocrisy.  Oh, I can just hear you now, but Patrick, you're a hypocrite, remember when you wrote that you hated Cap 'n Crunch and then another time you said you liked it? Or remember the time you killed that hobo in a Denny's bathroom after you explicitly said don't kill hobos in Denny's bathrooms?  Well, the answer is probably.  The thing is, I am frighteningly aware of my hypocrisies, and I'm willing to wholeheartedly embrace them, for you see, they give me delight -just like Cinnabons.

Let me start at the very beginning.  If you have traversed the internet these past few years, then you've probably seen this video:

Oh my God, is this ever the worst piece of shit I have EVER seen.  BREAKING FUCKING NEWS: Dove Films (which isn't even a real production company, based on my in-depth Google search of the words "Dove" and  "Films") uncovers this earth-shattering scoop: models sometimes look like crap before they put make-up on, but when they get makeup on and someone does their hair and some sweaty Best Boy Grip throws some lights on them and George Lucas gives them an ET neck then they are suddenly beautiful and end up on billboards, and this is a secret which you should be shocked / ashamed / outraged about. The End.

Well, people just fucking loved this news that photos were doctored and not real, and Dove sold a million bars of crappy soap and people felt better about themselves and then ate another Fried Cheese Cheese Burger from Bennigans and watched four more episodes of the equally uninspired "Everybody Loves Raymond." No one loves that guy because he's not funny, I should know.  No one loves me either.

But there's good news on the horizon for the unloved! A new video!  Called ONSLAUGHT in reference to the fierce assault on our nation's gingers, America's next epidemic:

You want to know the best line in this festering, artistic piece? "Talk to your daughter before the beauty industry does." YOU ARE THE FUCKING BEAUTY INDUSTRY!

As I am writing this I realize that maybe I am overreacting, maybe I am being too self-indulgent, or perhaps my CAPS LOCK is just on.  To find out which is the correct answer let's make sure the caps lock is off and  direct our browsers to the Dove page and scroll down to the bottom.  Did you know the parent company of this brand is Unilever?

Unilever owns gobs of brands, oodles of brands! Many of which you're probably familiar with: Axe, Lux, Ponds, Sunsilk, TIGI, and Vaseline, among many, many others.  Some -and by some I mean me- may say such an impressive portfolio might dub Unilever a major player in the beauty industry(?).  Well, luckily for we U.S. Americans, with such an ethical power player at the helm, it's realistic depictions of men and women for us all! Hooray! We're saved!

Just look at this sentimental ad for Unilever brand, Axe, which elevates women to the pedestal upon which they belong, yes?

Uh oh, this isn't the kind of video which will make our red headed child from before become a Senator.  No, this is more the kind of video which'll encourage her to ditch her studies, get some implants, and do some things that will FINALLY MAKE DADDY PAY ATTENTION!!!

"But Patrick," you say, "at least they're full-figured!"  If by full-figured, you mean inexplicably skinny and big tittay'd then yes, you are correct.  However, for the sake of argument, let's see if this embrace of all things curvaceous is deomonstrated across all platforms, shall we?  I mean of all their products haircare is something that is universal, right? Big boned folks and skinny folks both have hair. Let's see how Unilever's self-actualized TIGI haircare brand answers the corpulent call!

Sweet bajesus! I got a heroin addiction just watching that video!

Okay. Look, is teaching young girls to have confidence important?  Absolutely.  It is a hard world out there and every day it gets harder.  It is essential that parents gather their young'uns and let 'em know its good to be smart and funny and confident and ambitious.  This is something we all can agree on.  I just have a real issue with being told this by the same companies that are creating the complex in the first place.  It's like taking an ethics class taught by a Milli Vanilli cover band.  It's just more than I can bear. Girl, you know it's true.

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