Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Patrick's D-Baggers vs. Sarah's Teabaggers

Sarah Pie! How I love your squinty, piercing thoughtful eyes or desperate need of an ophthalmologist.

Holy shit you guys, our country is so frickin' awesome!

When I was growing up I was always told if you want to be successful in America, what you had to do was be kind, smart, and hardworking (and white).  Well, in recent months we continue to learn that you don't have to do any of that (but the being white part still does seem to be reeeeeeaaaaalllly helpful)!

If your anything like me, this is very welcome news.  I don't know about you, but I have very soft hands and they callus very easily.  Then when I get calluses, well you know, then I can't stop picking at them.  So my hands are all bloody and full of dead scabby skin -grodie.  Oh, and don't even get me started on the fatigue of "work." No, thank you.

Yes comrades, the secret is so much simpler, and I'll tell you what it is -right after the jump, of course.

No, my dear downtrodden America, all you really need to be successful in America is a nice pair of gams/fuckmeboots, down home I'd-Like-To-Have-A-Beer-With-Them charm, and a firm grasp on the prejudices and insecurities of an undereducated middle America -oh, yeah and the white thing! Don't forget the white thing! Very important, that.

Now, say you want to go into politics.  Then you only have to go one step more: Take all that you've learned and put it into a somber video!  Here's the best part. You don't have to have ANY plans or policy perspectives! None. Zip. De Rein! ( EDITORIAL: But don't say de rein because it will be obvious that you went to school or read a book or tried to understand something outside your pathetically small circle of experiences.)  Now put all these factors into a bitchin' sizzle reel.  Just like this one!

How awesome is that!  Doesn't it just make you want to use the pulley's the health department strung up in your living/couch/kitchen/bath room to rise out of the crevices of your 4th-hand plastic encased couch and grab a misspelled sign!??  Of course it does! Unless it doesn't or there's a Police Academy sequel on TV.

If you're in the latter column and you just love Steve Gutenberg, have I got a plan for you!  Join me in becoming one of Patrick Garrigan's D-Baggers!

This is your call to ARMS my brethren & sistern.  It's time we return to good old fashioned American values!  What American values you ask?  Well, the ideal that we are awesome at everything and if we aren't awesome at it, we work until we're better at it.  Then, if that doesn't work we just marry up.

In my new D-Bag Party we'll have some wicked awesome additions.  What would a D-Bag Administration look like? This:

Head of the Department of The Exterior

Secretary The Situation

New Rule #1:

Asshats who wear colonial garb to any rallies will get wedgies, just like they did in high school.

Top Breeder Awards

Awards will be given to people who produce great offspring.  It will be a Top Breeder hat.  These hats will be highly sought after because they will be designed by Ed Hardy.  It is my hope that the endless pursuit of these hats and the reproductive organs beneath them will help to speed up Natural Selection.

Presidential Tax Breaks

As part of my Presidential Tax Breaks plan, I, as president will get a tax break.  As will all children who are able to do the required number of pull-ups as per the Presidential Fitness Challenge.  These children will not have to pay taxes until they're 18.

So there it is, man.  Yes, I'm the D-Bag with Da-Plan.  Yes, I know that sucked, but as part of being a D-Bagger is you can do stuff that sucks but strut like it is awesome.  If someone calls you out, you were just being ironic, as is your wont.

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