Tuesday, August 31, 2010

You An Asshole? Here's Your TeeVee Program

You know what they say, "Ideas are like assholes: everyone has one and most of them are on TV."


You guys, today is Monday and I watched the teevee for the first time in quite a little while.  I sat in my Barcalounger just agape unable to control the way that I felt about the unfortunate thing that I was watching.  Oh, you know, like the way you felt the first time you saw this.

I wish what I was saying was making sense, but the fact of the matter is that once again, the crap that I have seen tonight has soiled yes, this, the most fertile of minds.  What's that? You don't understand what I mean? Well I'll show you, right after you click here...

Do you know what I watched tonight?  I watched a program on the American Broadcasting Company (ABC) called Dating in the Dark.

 

Now, if you have any imagination whatsoever, you think oooh, how provocative! Maybe these people are spies and they date not knowing the secrets or nationalities of the fellow spook they're dating.  You would think that because you have an ounce of creativity and you, much like myself are OBSESSED with the Bourne Trilogy.  You would think this but you would be wrong.  This seemingly novice hypothesis is FAR too clever for the reality.

Yes, this show wouldn't dare to ask that much cognitive activity of you.  No, in this instance, these people actually date in the fucking dark. They go on dates, like people do, but in this instance they have these dates without the lights on like hobos or smack addicts or people too stupid to look for a light switch -which evidently these people are.

Just before I was about to very intentionally re-enact that immortal scene from Who's the Boss where Tony mixes bleach and ammonia (rookie mistake) and put myself out of this most obscene misery, the program was interrupted for a very important press conference.  What news might interrupt this gut-wrenching dullard parade?


The announcement that Bristol Palin (R-Neverwas) will join a collection of has beens, who-the-fuck-is-thats and car show enthusiasts. Maaaaan, sure can't wait to watch some poor professional dancer who has sacrificed and worked exceedingly hard to become Lord of the Dance(s) only to have their big break come in the form of carting some tubby snowbilly across the floor.  USA? USA? USA?

And now. Now? Do you know what I'm doing, I'm watching Real Housewives of DC because after this evening of television I am so full of self loathing that I don't even have the will power to pick up a stinking  remote control. I have hit rock bottom and only my Sabra hummus is here to comfort me.

Beaten into submission I have only one choice and that is to drink the Kool Aid (EDITORIAL: this is a reference to a simpler time when people just loved Kool Aid and has nothing to do with mass suicide (at this point)) come up with ideas to perpetuate this GREEEEEAAAAATTTT new line of programming because that's what we want to watch because thinking of any kind or the exertion of any energy on our part is so totes not of interest to us.

That said, whatcha say we watch my nyoo soopie doopie poopie shows!
  • Stuff I Ate
  • What is with Gas Prices?
  • Bangin' in a Sticky Closet
  • Amazing Race (for Gonorrhea)
  • These New Shoes that I Bought At The Store  
  • The More I Drink the Bigger My Wiener Looks
  •  Litigious Larry's Craaaaazy Court Cases & Topless Fish 'N Chips Shack
  • Low Self Estee-am Engine Cross Country Road Rules Challenege: Season 4
  • Gulf Shore: Extra Greasy
  •  Will Daddy Pay Attention Now?
  • Mortgage Swap
  • Who Wants to Marry An Angry Drunk?

I think the only thing sadder than these ideas are the idea that someone might actually buy it and I'll get rich and will sell out because I have no scruples and can spend my days eating delicious truffles.  Take it or leave it, you know where I'll be.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey buddy. Funny commentary. Think the first word is missing the "Y". Maybe some punctuation after "provocative'?

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