Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Twitter Explained

Hey Twats! Have you ever wanted to know a lot of stuff without all that pesky "reading comprehension"? Well now you can!

That's right friends, due to advances in social networking technology, you can read the headlines, the whole headlines and nothing but the headlines - SO HELP YOU GOD! But how does it work??? After the jump I'll tell you how, and as if that wasn't enough, I'll also share the secret recipe for Aunt Sue's apple roll ups!

Whenever I'm fiddling with my phone I'm constantly asked, "are those naked pictures of yourself?" Of course they are, but it isn't polite to tell people you just can't get enough of your own chiseled physique.  As a result I casually reply, "no, I'm checking my Twitter," for politeness.  This response is met with one of three reactions:

  1. How does Twitter work?
  2. Meh.
  3. No you're not; I can see your wiener.
Since "meh" isn't a word and ongoing investigations will not allow me to comment on my wiener, I'm going to tell you how Twitter works.  Hooray!

Let's say you were in your local 2.5 star hotel, doing a quality center split while wearing a Medieval trumpeteer wig, and you accidentally sharted? This information must be shared, but you don't have much time, as you have to clean out your britches before the Renn Faire gymnastics competition.  Twitter provides you the outlet to share this information with friends and followers using a mere (140) characters.  For instance:

"At the opening ceremonies for Lord Fauntleroy's ball.  Stretching for the Flying Eagle and wouldn't know it -a shart!"  

Post that on your Twitter feed and suddenly everyone knows about your awesome scatological calisthenic adventure.  Now anyone who's decided to follow your exploits will get to experience this hilarious mishap! Oh, the hijinks!

That's all well and good, but let's get a little more advanced, shall we? Okay.  Say Lord Fauntleroy has a Twitter account of his own and the name on his account is simply, LordFauntleroy.  You can link him in your tweet by placing the "@" symbol before his name.  Given your mutual appreciation of bangs and class struggles, you decide it polite to include the Young Master in your Tweet. Your new tweet now looks like this:

"At the opening ceremonies for @LordFauntleroy's ball.  Stretching for the Flying Eagle and wouldn't know it -a shart!" 

So now where are we?  You've pulled your groin, you've included Faunty (that's what you call him, 'cause you're close) in your Tweet, but you also want to be able to connect other sharters.  What to do?

I'll tell you what you do.you simply add the "#" symbol before the word shart.  This is called "trending." What does this do?  Well it lists your tweet with any tweet in the Twittersphere mentioning the topic of sharting in real time.  When #shart is clicked, people are suddenly connected with sharters the world over! Stinky, stinky sharty tweeters rejoice!  So now your tweet reads:

"At the opening ceremonies for @LordFauntleroy's ball.  Stretching for the Flying Eagle and wouldn't know it -a #shart!"

Congratulations, you're a Twitter pro.  What's next? Well, don't forget to shamelessly encourage others to follow your defecation diatribe and enjoy a celebrity status similar to that which Wayne experienced when he got his leg caught in the thrasher.  Oh, the harvest season is an unforgiving kingmaker...

Just as people follow you you can follow others creating a veritable cornucopia of real-time, streaming minutiae from your favorite people / future ex-wives / rejected American Idol cast members!

And that, my literary lemmings, is how you make a pineapple upside down cake and/or use Twitter.  What's that?  You still want to know how to make the apple rolls?  Well, talk to Sue.

Sue Baughman, Winner 2008 Profiles in Greatness Award

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