Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Doctor is Drunk In

Oh, Peanuts cartoons, you are positively hysterical.  The idea that you would actually tell a female what you're really thinking? Hysterical. I fucking love cartoons.  Almost as much as I love boozy, booze, booze, yum, yum bits.  Now, I'm not saying that -what was I saying?

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and you're like, "Dude, you should be the villain in a Sylvester Stalone action remake?"  Yeah, me too.  No, I'm not drunk I'm just full of hoppy self-evidency. But you want to know something? C'mere.  I love you, man.  You know what happened to me? I just found my calling.  Fo reals.  You wanna no what it is?  I'll tell you right after the jump. I promise I'll be more sobery by then.
Gather 'round,  for I have news.  After an evening of cocktails Friday with Astoria's Finest™ and a very exclusive Murray Hill networking event:

I have come up with my next profession.  Yes, that's right you may know me as Patrick Garrigan world renowned actor from the stage-acting.  Or perhaps you know me as Patrick Garrigan marketing executive and record holder for the World's Tallest Cannoli Christmas Tree.  Or perhaps you know me as that guy who always seems to be behind you on the stairs on the day you happen to be wearing that skirt that's just a little too short quietly mumbling, "kibbles and bits and bits and bits."  However, today and from this day forward you'll come to know me by a different moniker:

Patrick Garrigan, Drunk Therapist

World take note, this weekend I realized I am the World's Best Drunk Therapist. Now in my normal day, I frankly couldn't care less about you and your piddly existence -especially you needy girl who talks on the phone in the grocery store to her girlfriend or mom or cat or whatever about how she's never going to find love she deserves.  You're never going to find the love you deserve because you're an asshole, now hang up the damn phone and pay for your Yoplait like a grown up.  SEE!  This is what I mean! But (4) IPA's and I'm a new man, complete with the Holy Trinity of Therapeutic Grace: Patience, Empathy & Thoughtful Perspectives on Life.

In the interest of doing the greatest good, I've taken the liberty of coming up with some packages to help you find the one that's right for you! Hell, pick one, pick 'em all I'm so good at this ...when I'm drunk!

Couples Therapy
 $20 / 15 minute session
My Philosophy:
"Well, I know what the problem is, you knees aren't even close to each other!!! You guuuuuuys! C'mon, move 'em in. Move 'em in. There you go.. Good? Good."
Shock Therapy
$9.99 / month - Netflix.com
My Philosophy:
"Do you know the human head weighs eight pounds? Bees & dogs can smell fear.  Did you know that my neighbor has (3) rabbits?"

Behavioral Therapy
$5 + tip / session
My Philosphy:
"If you don't stop being a dick, you're not going to get any street meat."
At-Risk Therapy
$2,500 / session
My Philosophy:
"You don't want to live another day?  Well guess what asshole, it's already tomorrow -IN AUSTRALIA. It's already tomorrow there man, and whether you like it or not, you just lived through another one (if you were in Australia).
Sex Addiction Therapy

(10) Sessions - $19.95 / each
My Philosophy:
"Sex addiction? What sex addition, Mildred? You don't look a day over 76. Same time next week? Ah, ah, ah don't forget your chompers!"

See! I told you I was good at this!  The doctor will see you now!

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