Tuesday, August 31, 2010

You An Asshole? Here's Your TeeVee Program

You know what they say, "Ideas are like assholes: everyone has one and most of them are on TV."

You guys, today is Monday and I watched the teevee for the first time in quite a little while.  I sat in my Barcalounger just agape unable to control the way that I felt about the unfortunate thing that I was watching.  Oh, you know, like the way you felt the first time you saw this.

I wish what I was saying was making sense, but the fact of the matter is that once again, the crap that I have seen tonight has soiled yes, this, the most fertile of minds.  What's that? You don't understand what I mean? Well I'll show you, right after you click here...

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Next Ground Zero Mosque

You know what's super dooper awesome? The First Amendment and our impressive tolerance of the practice of other's religions.

Yes, we US Americans are so good at this religious tolerance thing, some might say we have that shit on "lockdown." I mean not me per se because I don't listen to --though I'm completely tolerant of-- "HIP-HOP" but, you know, people.

As you may have heard there's been a lot of hullabaloo in the past few weeks over plans to build a mosque near the site of Ground Zero. People have straight up said that these plans are nothing short of pure cockamamie despite the fact that it has been reported here and here and here that ooopsie doops, there's already a mosque around Ground Zero.  Listen, I don't really care where they put a mosque so long as there is a location close by where I can secure some quality halal street meat.

It seems to me this whole dialog has gotten way off track.  You know what we need to distract refocus us? I'll tell you after the jump.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

A Little Something Cheery

Do you ever chase a plastic bag around the outside of a grocery store and lament, "sometimes there's just too much beauty in the world." Well stop it.

Instead, I would prefer that you just play this most delightful song and cheerily bop along. That's all I ask.

Friends, Home is when ever I'm with you.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Doctor is Drunk In

Oh, Peanuts cartoons, you are positively hysterical.  The idea that you would actually tell a female what you're really thinking? Hysterical. I fucking love cartoons.  Almost as much as I love boozy, booze, booze, yum, yum bits.  Now, I'm not saying that -what was I saying?

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and you're like, "Dude, you should be the villain in a Sylvester Stalone action remake?"  Yeah, me too.  No, I'm not drunk I'm just full of hoppy self-evidency. But you want to know something? C'mere.  I love you, man.  You know what happened to me? I just found my calling.  Fo reals.  You wanna no what it is?  I'll tell you right after the jump. I promise I'll be more sobery by then.


Click here to read Patrick's review of Kids with Guns' WOLVES.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Twitter Explained

Hey Twats! Have you ever wanted to know a lot of stuff without all that pesky "reading comprehension"? Well now you can!

That's right friends, due to advances in social networking technology, you can read the headlines, the whole headlines and nothing but the headlines - SO HELP YOU GOD! But how does it work??? After the jump I'll tell you how, and as if that wasn't enough, I'll also share the secret recipe for Aunt Sue's apple roll ups!


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