Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Oh Noes, Linds!


What did I do over my 4th of July? Oh, you know, alcohol induced rampage -but looky here! I picked up these nifty aviators too! Just like Maverick! USA! USA! USA! ...but then I stepped on them.

When I woke up from my Sauvignon Blanc-induced stupor I learned that important "news" had happened.  What "news" you ask?  Was it the potentially historic meeting between Obama and Netanyahu? No! Was it my role in exhumation of Billy Bobby Fischer's remains? No. What waas it?  Well, I'll tell you (after the jump).
HEADLINE: LINDSAY LOHAN IS GOING TO JAIL

So according to several of my sources (I read a short article in the LA Times, which I think is a real newspaper, not sure) Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to (90) days in jail for basically playing "did I do that?" with a Beverly Hills judge for the past (3) years.

Before I go any further and get to the "meat" of this post, can we please address how incredible this picture is?  Not since Deliverance have I seen such a look of absolute vulnerability on a person's face.  I think perhaps the only thing better than that face is her lawyer's expression of, "I told you, yadumbbitch." Humans are awesome.

According to my sources, due to overcrowding, she'll probably only do one quarter or less of her actual sentence.  So if my calculations are correct, she'll probably only be in there for like (20) or so days.  What will she do with all those days? As always, I have a few thoughts which I've crafted by drawing insight from Lindsay's past exploits. [WARNING: Some of these images may be NSFW, so don't be all, why'd I see her tittays - you saw her tittays 'cause you wanted to.]

Day One: Cut a bitch

Day Two Hunger strike

Day Three: Launch a new line of fashionable, designer SCRAM bracelet caddies

Day Four: Give birth to baby made before going to jail.  Send this baby direct to DVD.

Day Five: Get some much needed rest.

Day Six: See just how green your thumb is in the prison garden!
Day Seven: Enjoy a good dump.

Day Eight: Uphold New Year's resolution for 20% more side boob.

Day Nine: "While away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers, consultin' with the rain. And my head I'd be scratchin' while my thoughts were busy hatchin'...."

Day Ten: Use (1) phone call to finally join Quest personals.  'Cause, "you don't have to be alone tonight -PICK UP THE PHONE!"

Day Eleven: Get philanthropic 'n shit with your favorite charity: Shots for Tots

Day Twelve: Make up with dad.  ....or maybe just enjoy a mess hall smoothie.

Day Thirteen: Take advantage of vocational opportunities to join the ranks of the prison volunteer fire department.

Day Fourteen: Outfit the whole place in fancy new window treatments.

Day Fifteen: Remake Mean Girls.  Only this time the mean girls are really mean -like, kill you mean.

Day Sixteen: Absolutely, positively do not do all the contraband cocaine in the joint off this mirror. Like, don't.  For reals.

Day Seventeen: Utilize laundry room steam press to create hysterically ironic Jersey Shore inspired transfer t's!  Dibs on the D.A.R.E. one!

Day Eighteen: Find a hotter girlfriend.

Day Nineteen: Rehearse for role in the new movie, Million Dollar Baby 2, only to be replaced by Will Smith's kid.

Day Twenty: Reach out for help.



And there you have it!  In (2) weeks you'll be back to your drunken fumblin', upskirt showin', nipple-slippin' self!  Trust me, I've been there.

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