Monday, July 19, 2010

Help Me With The Final Countdown (Till I Move Back to Astoria)

This is not a test, this is...

That's right friends, when the countdown above concludes, I will be making my triumphant return back to Astoria, Queens.  But what exactly does return to Queens look like?

It looks a little like this:

...with the notable exception that there will be more women fainting, I think.  Probably some more catchy music too, like a polka perhaps.

So many great things are going to happen!  What great things? Well...

  1. I will add new Enya songs to my Scaryaoke repertoire.
  2. I will go to Panera, sit at the long table and ask strangers at the other end of the table to please pass the salt to hysterically comedic effect.
  3. I will finally go to Astoria Park.
  4. I will say hello to my friends at Kelly's.
  5. I will write another book.  This one will be about my exploits finding a table to sit at in Middle School.  Adolescence is hard.  So are Mondays and rocks.

Oh, it's just going to be super! But before I get to enjoy all these wonderful things, I have to unload my Upper East Side flat.  That, my friends, is where you come in.  In order to enjoy all these wonderful features, I must first find someone to pick up a new lease on my apartment.

"How can we help?" you squeal.  Well, you can either take it over yourself or snag me some nice bloke or lass to pick it up.  Here's the deal:

(2) Bedroom Duplex Apartment on the Upper East Side for August 1st Move-In

Location: 95th Street between 1st & 2nd Avenues
Rent: $1,600 / month  (1-month deposit, 1st month's rent, processing fee & credit check due @ signing = $3,475)

About the apartment: 
  • Bi-level apartment with spiral staircase
  • 1&1/2 Baths
  • Exposed brick & new wood floors
  • Attentive super
  • Air conditioning in both bedrooms
  • In-apt thermostat to control heat
  • In-building laundry
  • Nearby gym, grocery, bars, Rite Aid, pizza and 96th Street 6 train, etc.
To land the joint:
  • Proof of employment
  • 2 - 3 Pay stubs 
  • Pass landlord credit check.
Daddy's heading to the Rockies on Wednesday, but I can show you around the abode Monday & Tuesday evening. If you're interested, please reply via email  with name, phone and desired appointment time.

What's that?  You want pictures? BAM!

This is the area where I sort through fan mail.

I made eggs here once.

This is where I lay my weary head.

This is where I shit, shower and shave.  Sometimes at the same time.

This is the living room.  If you are into living YOU'LL LOVE IT!

This is where my roommate sleeps (with one eye open)

This is where my roommate takes a dump (inexplicably also with only one eye open)

So there you have it.  If you love New Age Celtic music sung in a disconcerting falsetto then I need you to make this happen.  Thanks in advance for your help and I'll see you soon (you know, if you live in Queens or we've made plans to hang out.)

1 comment:

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