Monday, June 07, 2010

Make Me A Real Housewife of New York City (Please)

Tomorrow, I turn 31 years old.  I don't really like this.  I feel like once you leave your twenties it's like Life says to you, "nice job chucklehead, now what're you going to do with your Life." -which is weird because why is Life talking about itself in the third person and what's with the condescending tone?

To help me deal with this pain and the endless shame that this blog continues to bring to my family name, (ultimately leading to my inability to become farm commissioner of some shit town in Alabama) I've been spending my waning hours as a 30 year old daydreaming and thinking about what is next.

I've given this a lot of thought and I think I'd just like to be independently wealthy -but what to do?  It was this item that really plagued my walk up 5th Avenue tonight.  Oh sure I came up with really cute titles that I could give myself like His Lordship The Archduke of Aloof or The Supreme Commander of Snark or Todd, but none of them seemed to be a perfect fit.  Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!


I will be a Real Housewife of New York City!  This way I get to be snarky, catty and rich.  The best part is, this would be my actual job.  Oh sure, there'd be charity events, I would no doubt have a book ghost written for me complete with obligatory book tour, I'd sure as shit stop writing this drivel, and then the remainder of my time would be spent drinking and talking shit about everyone -something I've realized I'm very, very good at.

Chances are if you have read the post up to this point you already know the premise of the show.  If you haven't, the gist is this: Rich ladies who are rich and do rich Upper East Sidey things, richly.  It's what we in the biz call "aspirational programming." 

In the beginning credits each Housewife is featured in the foreground wearing a tittay dress while their family is  in the background inexplicably doing jumping jacks.  Then the piece de resistance for each vignette is a gloriously indulgent voiceover explaining why being rich is awesome and how everyone else can suck it.

Once again, if you're not fortunate enough to have already seen all (3) seasons like I have, you can watch the video below from 0:52 - 1:20 and see what I'm talking about.



Now, as I see it -aside from the whole not being a housewife technicality- the only thing that stands between me and my rightful spot on this program is a really catchy voiceover.  To alleviate this obstacle I've come up with a few potential taglines for the opening credits.  Let me know what you think:

  • If being rich is a sin, I'm going to stop using condoms to make up for it.
  • I hate it when hobos make me bump fists.
  • I have a *fabulous* circle of friends, some of whom I'm slowly poisoning.
  • See you in the DWI episode! 
  • Wealth looks good on me, but then again so does lots and lots of chocolate pudding.
  • I don't live in the lap of luxury, I'm all up in it's crawl.
  • If they made my life into a movie, it would be a horror movie and I would die near the beginning.
  • Enjoying the high life is addictive. ...and so is Meth.
  • I can't wait for my undeserved fame to materialize in the form of a shitty book, recording contract and/or tragic E! True Hollywood story.
  • In New York, power and status are everything; especially when you're mayor of a small group of pygmies you've enslaved to make chocolate in a secret factory that you haven't let anyone into since a mysterious Mr. Slugworth infiltrated it years ago and sold your confectionery secrets to the highest bidder, but despite this you secretly hope a child of honesty & integrity will take over your factory (and pygmies) so that your chocolate will live on and provide a lasting legacy.
  • I enjoy the finer things in life, like the eternal hatred of my neglected children.
So c'mon Andy Cohen, you annoying bastard.  Give me a call already. I believe I've more than made my case to assume my rightful position next to this fine ass.  Did I say fine ass?  I meant fine lass.  No I didn't, I meant fine ass*.


*Fine Asses by Bravo

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