Sunday, June 20, 2010

Everyone's A Critic, Especially Me

How gross is this picture, friends? Almost as gross & upsetting as this picture. By the way artists, be sure to wipe a little more closely. You nasty.

This past month I was given the opportunity to join the classe critique, when I was invited to become a part of the editorial team of TheaterOnline.com as a reviewer.  In this new role, one can't help but ask, "Patrick how can some one like you, with such deep roots in the classe artiste change teams?  Furthermore Mr. Garrigan, what does a 'Patrick Garrigan Review' look like?"

All valid questions, which I will answer now.

When taking on this new position, I asked very few questions.  The questions that I did ask were very poignant however -questions you yourself might ask if given the opportunity to cast off the manacles of your sad existence and become a kingmaker.
  1. Do I get a reserved table at Angus?
  2. Can I tell Charles Isherwood I think he's a pussy?
  3. Will this gig get me major tail?
The answer to these questions was a resounding "NO!" and I agreed to the offer on the spot (though I'm hoping they were at least lying about the answer to Question #2)! Since stepping into this role in late May I have reviewed (3) shows:
The Market Complex's CAKE
Oberon Theatre Ensemble's OTHELLO
Eyeblink Entertainment's PERFECT FIT
All of which you should read because then my page views will go through the roof and I will get an embarrassingly large raise.  A raise I will not use to pay my portion of the check at Angus -you should pay for that shit, you're dining with the voice of 21st Century American Theatre, dammit!

Admittedly, I'm working quite diligently to find  and refine my voice as I embark on this new endeavor.  That said, upon further self analysis, I have decided to create a new criterion for judging whether a piece of theatre is good or not going forward.  In so doing, I would like my take on these works to be unique and interesting and tell my readers as much about me and my theatrical fetishes as it does about the show proper.


TITTAY METER
 The one and only Patrick Garrigan Tittay Meter.  Siskel & Ebert had thumbs up / thumbs down, Rotten Tomatoes has those rotten tomatoes, and the guy who reviews movies on the screens in the back of cabs has big hair.  This is my "gimmick".  Let's be honest, a lot of theatre out these days is crappy and/or boring.  Imagine how much better it would be if there were more succu'lent tittays.  A lot better.  Ladies, you wouldn't have to go to shows with your girlfriends or your "gay-boyfriends" or your boy friends who are in fact gay.  NO! You would have real, straight boyfriends who will be BEGGING to take in (so to speak) a very top-heavy, Garrigan-approved production of THE TAMING OF THE SHREW. Bringing theatre to a whole new audience via insightful, wholly superficial analysis.

CHAIR TESTING

This next section of my review is an attempt to win over the elderly, whom I've shown overt contempt for throughout the life of this blog.  Say you're real old -like walk real slow and generally be an asshole because you have the unique distinction of having not yet died old- and you enjoy going to the theatre and seeing dramas, comedies or leggy chorines parade around and emote for your entertainment.  You  know what's going to ruin that experience, you craggy old so-and-so?

An uncomfy chair.  Now normally, I would say zip it gramps, but on this issue the olds may have a point.  At the expense of summarizing and critiquing the action on stage, I promise to provide you, my elderly readership, with an in-depth review of the fabric, foam density and degree of unidentifiable substances on the seats of each performance space.  I will do this by employing Dateline NBC-style tactics which will include a blacklight, a forensic scientist, an industry expert and a totally GOTCHA'd house manager.

STAR POWER
 If you want to experience compelling "theatre" and see people with MFAs and CV's touting their treading 'o the boards at some of the nations finest regional theatres, then move to "the regions".  Me?  I want celebrities.  I want stars. I want a cupcake from Crumbs or maybe some pita chips and hummus.  The state of New York theatre is thus: If you have an Oscar or a nomination framed in your Malibu home, you are guaranteed a Tony Award.  This is awesome.  How else are we going to lure celebrities to come and play our reindeer games?  I promise to do my part to celebrate and promote this whenever possible.

In fact right next to the tittay meter at the top of my reviews will be the "Star Power!" graphic posted here.  If the person in the show was ever an A-lister (and that includes former child stars using the legitimate theatre as a springboard to stage a comeback -you hear me Dakota Fanning. What? She's in Twilight?) you will see this image with an obscenely gushing review of said artist's performance alongside an open invitation for that person to join me for dinner, where I will conspicuously have a team of photographers who "ambush" us while we enjoy a modest meal of Oily Oyster Rockefeller and discuss how hard it is just to be and 'ordinary person' in this celebrity-worshiping culture, am I right Hugh Jackman?


So there we have it.  I am forging a new path in the direction of Modern Stagecraft. A big-tittay'd, comfy, star-fuckery stagecraft.  See you on the aisle!

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