Sunday, May 30, 2010

Gone Memorializin'

My fellow US Americans.  I am up in Wisconsin working on becoming obese.  In honor of Memorial Day, there will be no blog.  But tune in next week when there will be jokes and fun and hijinks!

Monday, May 24, 2010

My Computer Has a Virus

You try to seek out ooooooonnnnne Chelsea Handler sex tape and you get a virus.  What gives?  Do the internets hate comedy or comediennes or comedienne tittays?  I. Don't. Know.  All I know is my computer is broken. 

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Best or Worst Campaign Ad Ever?

Big Super Tuesday tomorrow! Do you have Anti-Incumbent Fever?

I don't. I have whooping cough, be sure to wash your hands.

Do you ever see something and you ask yourself, "is what I'm seeing the best thing I've ever seen or the worst?"  Well, friends, I have got one for you right here right after the "Read More" jump below! Yeehaw!

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Unintended Consequences of the Times Square Car Bomber

What is this man smirking about?


The Feds have captured this man, Faisal Shazad, in an impressive albeit almost too late (53) hours after his failed attempt to bomb a busy Times Square.  While it seems that the death and destruction of a Pakistani Taliban strike has been held at bay for another day,  there are a few consequences of his actions which will ring on long after he's been hanged or shot or whatever we do to people who use Bluetooth devices these days. 

Please click the following "read more" link to do just that (it's the new thing here).  Otherwise, the terror-uhsts win.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Mother's Day: A Poetic Exploration

Mamma Mia! This is me.  This is my mom.  Her name is Mary. She prefers you call her Mary, and not Mrs. Garrigan.  It's nice of you to ask though.

It's Mother's Day next Sunday. In anticipation of the big day where we offer a tip of the hat to that lady made sure that you didn't die until you could make poor choices all on your own, I have decided to revisit the old M-O-T-H-E-R song and apply my own unique world view to this classic. Okay?  Let's go!

M - is for the MILES we drove to get to Bob Evans for comfort food after I buried the car in rabbit shit.

O - is for the OINTMENT she applied to my ass after I had that tumor removed.

T - is for the TURNIPS she taught me how to mash.

H- is for the HAUNTING OF MY DREAMS that her creepy doll collection* caused.

E - is for the EMBRYO she provided the most lovely home for.

R - is for the REALLY UPSET TUMMY she had after we had Indian that one time.


R (alternate) - REALLY GLAD SHE'S MY MOM!

So much so in fact that I made this epilepsy-inducing Blingee-gift for her!  Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Conan Speaks!

That's right friends, after a several months of silence, Conan speaks about his departure from the Tonight Show.  The interview isn't quite as scathing as I would like, but I guess if I had the possibility of forfeiting $32M teetering in the balance, I'd probably chose my words carefully as well.

Meanwhile in DC last night that giant sucking sound you heard was Jay Leno doing what he does best -make large groups of people simultaneously cringe.  And here he is at Nerd Prom with his unique brand of "have you ever noticed" banality:

Perhaps the AP should reconsider the "Comedian"attribution. I know it's been (4) months since this whole thing happened, but it still makes me crazy. This weekend I used finger nail clippers to pop blisters on my feet and it was 45% more enjoyable than watching this guy clumsily deliver such dated, canned crap.



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