Sunday, April 11, 2010

A New Justice In Town

Vacancy on the Supreme Court? Perhaps not...

Big news on Friday, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens tendered his resignation from the Supreme Court after (35) years of service, which means there's an opening!

It's interesting that this occurred on Friday because this is coincidentally the day that I tendered my resignation from the International Brotherhood of Magicians (I.B.M.). So good news for all you U.S. Americans out there, I have some spare time to be on the Supreme Court. Yes! I'm free to, you know, hear cases and eat lunch in nice restaurants and stuff.

What's that? You don't think I'm qualified to be a Supreme Court Justice. Well who died and made you Barack Obama?

For all you Doubting (Clarence) Thomases out there, and in true legal fashion, I have created the following "brief" outlining why I would make a good Supreme Court Justice:
  1. I love judging people.
  2. I will not be an activist judge. I will be an Activia judge. That is to say I will endorse Activia as the official yogurt of the Supreme Court. I firmly believe Ms. Ginsberg could really benefit from those active cultures.
  3. I'm douchier than Antonin Scalia.
  4. I played grab ass with Anita Hill, so I can check that off my list, am I right or am I right fellas?
  5. I am not a wise Latina, but I once played one as Bernardo in River Valley High School's lauded production of West Side Story.
  6. Unlike Justice Alito, I can be stoic -unless one of them Lady Gaga songs come on, 'cause I. am. a. dance. machine.
  7. I look good in bowties.
  8. Like Justice Kennedy, I am also not a member of the Kennedy political family.
  9. I will not legislate from the bench, but I may masticate from the bench. Especially if I did not have time for breakfast that morning.
(9) Justices, (9) reasons to make me one. I don't want to jump the gun, but based on what I've laid out here, just a matter of time until the class photo looks like this:

Case closed.

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