Sunday, April 18, 2010

I Am Not A "Fan" of You Because You are Not "Famous"


!!!DANGER: DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR AHEAD!!!

Over the past year, I have taken it upon myself to become something of a Miss Manners of Facebookery. January was a big month for this. So when I see a burgeoning or persistent problem, I feel I have a responsibility to guide you, my dearest readers, with notes on decorum and the mores of a genteel, douchebaggery-free online social life.

With that in mind, today we address "Fan Pages"

For those without the internets how are you reading this right now? the land of the Facebook is comprised of a series of "profiles". These profiles allow their usership to post sexy pictures of themselves so that others will find them attractive, post quotes that allow them to appear smarter than they are, and stalk friends, ex's and future ex's in virtual anonymity. Beyond these basic pages are fan pages -pages for famous people / bands / businesses.

Traditionally, these fan pages served as tools for existing businesses to present themselves online and provide an opportunity for REAL famous people to connect with their mortal fans.

Then something changed. People saw this:

Chaos ensued.

Many of my friends are actors and I genuinely wish them all the best in their pursuits. As I still keep my toe in those waters, I understand the joys of success and the stings of struggle that go into participating in da biz. That said, I feel I must advise all my dear friends out there, that just because you've done some skits, and are keeping busy, this does not automatically entitle you to "fan page" status.

Unsure if you're due for a fan page? Let's put it to the test. No cheating...
  1. Do you have any real fans? Let's be honest here. Fans and friends/family that you've pestered into submission are two very different things.
  2. Do you like movies about gladiators?
  3. Do you have a product or service you are selling? The expression "my talents" are not an acceptable answer unless you can swallow fire or are a stripper. If you are either of these things, call me.
  4. Have complete strangers requested locks of your hair?
  5. Do you have an active lifestyle that makes you otherwise inaccessible/disconnected from those who would like to follow your exploits? If you cite "errands"as the big achievement of your day, the answer is no.
BONUS QUESTION:
Do you look like Choice A


Or Choice B:


After tallying your responses if you answered "No" to any of the above and you resemble Choice B there's good news for you -you don't need a fan page. Hooray! Now your friends will like you more and you have more time to Google yourself (whatever that means to you).


UPDATE:
Since this posting, a fan page has been created for me. This fan page is unauthorized and while as of now I, well, pretty much agree with the content, I do not approve of having a fan page for myself. So you remember that kiddies. I lead by example!

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