Sunday, April 25, 2010

Bang! Bang! Patrick Explains the Funny Pages!

It just warms my heart to provide you with water cooler chatter like, "Hey, did you see Patrick put his head in an oyster shell this week? That was some pretty crazy shit." Or other times I like to work the headlines, just like Bill Pullman, and explore today's most current events. That's the case this week.

A Utah death row inmate upon be provided the choice between lethal injection and firing squad replied, "I would like the firing squad, please." This, as we know, is awesome. Aaaand he said please so now he can choose between regular milk or chocolate milk at snack time.

Now, I know a lot of us -and by us I of course mean me, because I feel it would be a tad rude for me to speak for you, you know, without us having discussed it first- we, go back and forth on the pros and CONS of the death penalty. I've kind of netted out thusly. I do not want to kill an innocent man, but let's be real, the guy we're talking about shot his way out of the courthouse killing an attorney and wounding a bailiff in a splash of Wild West panache. It seems some how fitting that justice be carried out in a similar fashion. That's really neither here nor there, because that's not even what we're talking about today, so don't get your panties in a twist -however if your panties are already in a twist, please send pics.

No, today I'm here to talk about how the news of this execution has influenced pop culture. Namely, your Sunday morning comics! Do you ever look at your newspaper (me neither) and wonder exactly what makes those comics about current events so funny? Well today, I explain all the firing squad ones for you! Yesssss! So let us to the belly laughs that can only result from someone getting shot in the heart until they die of death!

OK, for this one we're hearkening back to the older days where people with mustaches, in an effort to seem more gracious, offered a last cigarette prior to shooting their captive. But get this kids, nowadays we know cigarettes cause life-threatening diseases. So there's a little bit of irony here because even though Science tells us he's going to die of the bulletz before the cancer, El Capitan points out the dangers of cigarettes! This is just silly. Oh the irreverence, oh the LOLZ-ery!

Have you ever committed gruesome acts of crime & violence that made it difficult to win over your significant other's parents? Well, this cartoon's for you!

For those uninitiated, in prison sometimes men have sex with other men and that is what is depicted in this picture. It's either that or he is doing just the most charming reenactment of the song "Mooning" from the hit Broadway tuner, "Grease" featuring a enticingly salt 'n peppah'd Taylor Hicks. Man, that guy can sing!

How much do you love the internets, guys? Like gobs, right? Do you ever try to click through to your favorite World Wide Web site, and some times a takes a minute and your browser says "Loading". Well, when you're about to be shot with rifles, and you're waiting to get shot they have to "load" their guns. This is also loading -the guns and the internet, they are the same thing!

This one is funny because getting shot with a gun is serious, but it's a little more fun with bunny rabbit ears on Charles -he's such a dweeb!

This one is about putting people out of their misery. I mean fuck Humpy Dumpty! What did he ever do for anyone except sit on a wall he knew he couldn't balance on like a fucking free-loader, just waiting to fall off. Then what happens? He falls off. Biiiig fucking surprise. Then all the Kings horses and all the Kings men to put him back together again. You know who pays for all those horses and men? You do, with your tax dollars.

I say, it is a much better use of the Kingdoms resources to shoot Humpty Dumpy off the fucking wall, make an egg white omlette to feed the poors a breakfast high in protein, and put the shell on the compost heap to create fertilizer which could be used to produce a really great corn yield to benefit everyone! Especially with corn subsidies as they've been the past few years in the Kingdom... Fire away, boys!

So there you have it friends, all the execution humor that's fit to print! Let's keep an eye on Utah, Gumptioneers. If it gave us Orrin Hatch it can't all be bad can it?

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