Sunday, April 25, 2010

Bang! Bang! Patrick Explains the Funny Pages!

It just warms my heart to provide you with water cooler chatter like, "Hey, did you see Patrick put his head in an oyster shell this week? That was some pretty crazy shit." Or other times I like to work the headlines, just like Bill Pullman, and explore today's most current events. That's the case this week.

A Utah death row inmate upon be provided the choice between lethal injection and firing squad replied, "I would like the firing squad, please." This, as we know, is awesome. Aaaand he said please so now he can choose between regular milk or chocolate milk at snack time.

Now, I know a lot of us -and by us I of course mean me, because I feel it would be a tad rude for me to speak for you, you know, without us having discussed it first- we, go back and forth on the pros and CONS of the death penalty. I've kind of netted out thusly. I do not want to kill an innocent man, but let's be real, the guy we're talking about shot his way out of the courthouse killing an attorney and wounding a bailiff in a splash of Wild West panache. It seems some how fitting that justice be carried out in a similar fashion. That's really neither here nor there, because that's not even what we're talking about today, so don't get your panties in a twist -however if your panties are already in a twist, please send pics.

No, today I'm here to talk about how the news of this execution has influenced pop culture. Namely, your Sunday morning comics! Do you ever look at your newspaper (me neither) and wonder exactly what makes those comics about current events so funny? Well today, I explain all the firing squad ones for you! Yesssss! So let us to the belly laughs that can only result from someone getting shot in the heart until they die of death!

OK, for this one we're hearkening back to the older days where people with mustaches, in an effort to seem more gracious, offered a last cigarette prior to shooting their captive. But get this kids, nowadays we know cigarettes cause life-threatening diseases. So there's a little bit of irony here because even though Science tells us he's going to die of the bulletz before the cancer, El Capitan points out the dangers of cigarettes! This is just silly. Oh the irreverence, oh the LOLZ-ery!

Have you ever committed gruesome acts of crime & violence that made it difficult to win over your significant other's parents? Well, this cartoon's for you!

For those uninitiated, in prison sometimes men have sex with other men and that is what is depicted in this picture. It's either that or he is doing just the most charming reenactment of the song "Mooning" from the hit Broadway tuner, "Grease" featuring a enticingly salt 'n peppah'd Taylor Hicks. Man, that guy can sing!

How much do you love the internets, guys? Like gobs, right? Do you ever try to click through to your favorite World Wide Web site, and some times a takes a minute and your browser says "Loading". Well, when you're about to be shot with rifles, and you're waiting to get shot they have to "load" their guns. This is also loading -the guns and the internet, they are the same thing!

This one is funny because getting shot with a gun is serious, but it's a little more fun with bunny rabbit ears on Charles -he's such a dweeb!

This one is about putting people out of their misery. I mean fuck Humpy Dumpty! What did he ever do for anyone except sit on a wall he knew he couldn't balance on like a fucking free-loader, just waiting to fall off. Then what happens? He falls off. Biiiig fucking surprise. Then all the Kings horses and all the Kings men to put him back together again. You know who pays for all those horses and men? You do, with your tax dollars.

I say, it is a much better use of the Kingdoms resources to shoot Humpty Dumpy off the fucking wall, make an egg white omlette to feed the poors a breakfast high in protein, and put the shell on the compost heap to create fertilizer which could be used to produce a really great corn yield to benefit everyone! Especially with corn subsidies as they've been the past few years in the Kingdom... Fire away, boys!

So there you have it friends, all the execution humor that's fit to print! Let's keep an eye on Utah, Gumptioneers. If it gave us Orrin Hatch it can't all be bad can it?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: I Did Not Pull A Hammy During the MS Walk

Good news everyone. I have returned from today's MS Walk and I'm pleased to inform you, my readership, that I have not pulled any muscles -not even a hammy.

That's right. I have returned from my round-trip walking travels to Brooklyn and back and I am pleased to announce that Team Dan's Lost Luggage: Part II has raised over $2,800 to combat MS!

My sincere thanks to all who contributed either by kicking in a few bucks or offering words of support. It is all genuinely appreciated and helps me appreciate the Greatness of those around me. Especially the following Giving Gumptioneers who helped me raise $1,200!!!:

Colleen Brady
Justin Brill
Jeremy Brown
Abby Church
Johanna Comanzo
Michael Di Liberto
Francoise Donnell
Emily Firth
Mary Garrigan
DJ Gray
Paul & Carol Hoffman
Patti Holbrook
Jack Lane
Megan Manning
Jonathan Margolis
Karen Melfi
Erin Mills
Nancy Moreton
Jessica Murphy
Erick Pinnick
Jake Porter
Jamie Price
Adam Rodriguez
Dante Sabatino
Christina Scharer
Steven Silverstein
Ryan Swearingen
William Taylor
Shelley Thomas
Leigh Thomas
Shanna VanDerwerker


I Am Not A "Fan" of You Because You are Not "Famous"


Over the past year, I have taken it upon myself to become something of a Miss Manners of Facebookery. January was a big month for this. So when I see a burgeoning or persistent problem, I feel I have a responsibility to guide you, my dearest readers, with notes on decorum and the mores of a genteel, douchebaggery-free online social life.

With that in mind, today we address "Fan Pages"

For those without the internets how are you reading this right now? the land of the Facebook is comprised of a series of "profiles". These profiles allow their usership to post sexy pictures of themselves so that others will find them attractive, post quotes that allow them to appear smarter than they are, and stalk friends, ex's and future ex's in virtual anonymity. Beyond these basic pages are fan pages -pages for famous people / bands / businesses.

Traditionally, these fan pages served as tools for existing businesses to present themselves online and provide an opportunity for REAL famous people to connect with their mortal fans.

Then something changed. People saw this:

Chaos ensued.

Many of my friends are actors and I genuinely wish them all the best in their pursuits. As I still keep my toe in those waters, I understand the joys of success and the stings of struggle that go into participating in da biz. That said, I feel I must advise all my dear friends out there, that just because you've done some skits, and are keeping busy, this does not automatically entitle you to "fan page" status.

Unsure if you're due for a fan page? Let's put it to the test. No cheating...
  1. Do you have any real fans? Let's be honest here. Fans and friends/family that you've pestered into submission are two very different things.
  2. Do you like movies about gladiators?
  3. Do you have a product or service you are selling? The expression "my talents" are not an acceptable answer unless you can swallow fire or are a stripper. If you are either of these things, call me.
  4. Have complete strangers requested locks of your hair?
  5. Do you have an active lifestyle that makes you otherwise inaccessible/disconnected from those who would like to follow your exploits? If you cite "errands"as the big achievement of your day, the answer is no.
Do you look like Choice A

Or Choice B:

After tallying your responses if you answered "No" to any of the above and you resemble Choice B there's good news for you -you don't need a fan page. Hooray! Now your friends will like you more and you have more time to Google yourself (whatever that means to you).

Since this posting, a fan page has been created for me. This fan page is unauthorized and while as of now I, well, pretty much agree with the content, I do not approve of having a fan page for myself. So you remember that kiddies. I lead by example!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

A New Justice In Town

Vacancy on the Supreme Court? Perhaps not...

Big news on Friday, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens tendered his resignation from the Supreme Court after (35) years of service, which means there's an opening!

It's interesting that this occurred on Friday because this is coincidentally the day that I tendered my resignation from the International Brotherhood of Magicians (I.B.M.). So good news for all you U.S. Americans out there, I have some spare time to be on the Supreme Court. Yes! I'm free to, you know, hear cases and eat lunch in nice restaurants and stuff.

What's that? You don't think I'm qualified to be a Supreme Court Justice. Well who died and made you Barack Obama?

For all you Doubting (Clarence) Thomases out there, and in true legal fashion, I have created the following "brief" outlining why I would make a good Supreme Court Justice:
  1. I love judging people.
  2. I will not be an activist judge. I will be an Activia judge. That is to say I will endorse Activia as the official yogurt of the Supreme Court. I firmly believe Ms. Ginsberg could really benefit from those active cultures.
  3. I'm douchier than Antonin Scalia.
  4. I played grab ass with Anita Hill, so I can check that off my list, am I right or am I right fellas?
  5. I am not a wise Latina, but I once played one as Bernardo in River Valley High School's lauded production of West Side Story.
  6. Unlike Justice Alito, I can be stoic -unless one of them Lady Gaga songs come on, 'cause I. am. a. dance. machine.
  7. I look good in bowties.
  8. Like Justice Kennedy, I am also not a member of the Kennedy political family.
  9. I will not legislate from the bench, but I may masticate from the bench. Especially if I did not have time for breakfast that morning.
(9) Justices, (9) reasons to make me one. I don't want to jump the gun, but based on what I've laid out here, just a matter of time until the class photo looks like this:

Case closed.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Cooking with Lisa - Easter Edition

Hey friends, remember Thanksgiving and Lise won your heart by teaching you how to make pigs in a blanket? Me neither, but now she's making other things!

That's right! We're back with another episode. This time she's making appetizers (?) and this time she's reeeeeallly angry. This spells great food and great (web)tv. Don't believe me? Well, turn up your speakers, open your hearts, and join us, cause we're...

Cooking with Lisa
"Bread Bowl?"

So now you know how to make bread bowls, Lise is angrier and I'm one step closer to fame. It's a win / win. Here's the problem: I feel like Lise is seriously thiiiiiis close to cutting down production on "Cooking with Lisa" entirely. Taking me away from fame and fortune, which is my entire reason d'etre.

Please let her know how much her cooking lessons mean to you. You can do so by commenting, emailing her c/o GWGG, or becoming a fan of her on Facebook. Do your part. The life of "Cooking with Lisa" just might depend on it.


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