Sunday, March 07, 2010

Thoughts on Cats

There's a saying that goes, "People Who Hate Cats Will Come Back As Mice in Their Next Life." Well, fuck those hippy-dippy idiots, push play and let's do this.



Well happy Sunday to you all. I do hope you've been enjoying this fine weather we've been having. I know I sure would like to but something just hasn't felt right. I can't sleep, I can't eat and even as I type this I find a 40oz. in my shaky right hand and my Daisy 880 pump action air rifle in my left -and my laptop gently warming my genitals, as is it's wont. What gives?

There are (2) cats right outside my window who have been crying, fucking and fighting for the past two days and it has driven me to delirium. So on this eve of the Oscars, Hollywood's Biggest Night, I stand on the brink.

To provide you with context, my hatred of cats started at an early age and has been reinforced through consistently negative experiences like the one I'm experiencing now. Throughout this time, I've heard repeated mischaracterizations and general hooey from cat owners and I'd like to take this time to set the record straight as I contemplate "next steps".

My Cat is Like A Dog


If I had a dollar for every time I had to listen to apologist cat owners say, "but man, you don't understand, my cat is like a dog,"I would have saved enough money to buy a desert island, order a nationwide crack-down this expression and deport all these numbnuts.

Here's the deal. Your cat is in fact NOT AT ALL LIKE A DOG. You cat is just fat. In most cases, morbidly-obese-Carney-Wilson-belly-band-needing-fat. If the sheer heft of a thing is the sole indicator for this label, then I've taken bowel movements that could replace your Shih Tzu, so to speak. Oh and another thing, please tell me that is that cat's foot there in the bottom center of the picture. Just groooooosss.

My Cat is So Clean


"My cat is soooo clean." Perhaps so, but look what your cat has done to you. This is one of my favorite cat-people-isms. Because the "lie" of the thing is that even as these words escape their lips, they themselves are covered in 3" mats of fine white cat hair and vaguely smell of piss -a look that says, "I don't get out much anymore."

The counter to this is that it is in fact so much easier to accommodate living with a cat in the city. "A dog," they say, "well, you've got to rush home right after work and take them out, and I just don't have time for that." And that, friends, is a fair statement. However, when you continue with the statement that cats are easier to live with because they shit in a box, well, it doesn't do much to serve your "clean" argument. That box still lives in your apartment.

To add insult to injury, these litter boxes -which keep their domicile so clean- are typically either in the bathroom or the kitchen! These are places that, in my humble opinion, should generally be devoid of scented gravel. Congrats on teaching your ingrateful pet to take a doody in a box and next time let's have lunch at my place.

I Just Need to Find A Guy Who Likes Cats


I have a lot of lady friends with cats. They love their cats. Secretly, many of them confide to me that they have trouble finding a guy who likes their cat. You know why? Because he doesn't exist. Oh sure, he may tolerate if for a while if you have particularly succulent tittays, but this will ultimately not end well.

Editorially, speaking I typically try not to use bootlegged / stock photos but I'll tell you what, the photo above is the only picture I could find where the cat couple didn't look like this:


Is this what you want for your life? I mean, really? This picture has a fake backdrop of the woods when you know there was a decaying forest right behind the strip mall where this picture was taken that would have been just perfect for this shoot.

You think I'm speaking in hyperbole, I'm not! Google it yourself by searching "couple with cat". Now I'm not going to make this about cats vs. dogs, but here's the exact same search by Googling "couple with dog". The results of the latter search produces attractive, smiling people -people who have, oh I don't know, have jobs and social skills and a comprehension of basic hygiene. These are the people you want to be! Listen to me! I'm doing you a favor!

But I digress. But most importantly, I digress with a sense of altruistic superiority. I no longer want to want to take matters into my own hands with my cherished childhood toy. Instead I just want to go get a dog. A dog like this one.


And I will name her Sadie.

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